


dance, dance!

by chimeras



Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV)
Genre: Enemies to Lovers, Jock!Zach, M/M, dancer!alex, hannah’s dead still so she’s not in it sorry
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-19
Updated: 2021-02-08
Packaged: 2021-03-04 22:13:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 19
Words: 43,382
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25373698
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chimeras/pseuds/chimeras
Summary: Alex dances. His entire life it was always ballet and tap and lyrical and anything that could make his body move in ways he didn’t know it could move. He loved it.Zach plays football. His entire life was on a field where anything could happen at any time. He loved it.Alex hated the football players, they got all the recognition and didn’t do half the work Alex put into his dancing. But at least he never had to speak to them.Until the football coach assigns one of the players ballet classes.Shit.
Relationships: Jessica Davis/Justin Foley, Zach Dempsey/Alex Standall
Comments: 65
Kudos: 177





	1. Chapter 1

_Pique turn, pique turn, la seconde, la seconde, plie, calypso, again, and rest._

This is what goes through my head on a daily basis. One combo after another, downs, ups, turns, jumps, everything. My favorite thing was the leaps. Across the floor spins and then BAM- I’m in the air and my legs are in a split position and I can feel the wind on my face as gravity pulls me back to the ground. It is the absolute best feeling ever. Every morning I’m in school an hour early, in the school’s dance studio, practicing combos, lyrical routines or time steps in my tap shoes.

Dancing was my entire life. Everyday before and after school I was dancing. Weekends were solo practice whenever I wanted, but I barely did anything else. All day, everyday, I was dancing. AIM academy of dance was like a second home to me. I went to a regular public high school, but fortunately they offered dance as opposed to gym class. So basically in and out of school, I was always dancing.

As I landed one last calypso, the heard the first bell ring through my music. The bell that signaled you could now enter the school. When I took out my airpods, I could hear the front and back doors of the lobby opening and closing as piles of students rushed in. I was only in here because I was good with the dance teacher here, Ms.Abbot. She gave me a key to the studio and told the office to let me in earlier than the bell so I could practice alone. I didn’t have a basement or anything to practice in, so the studio here was one of my only options.

I ran into the locker room and changed into regular school clothes. It might just be me, but walking around school in leggings wasn’t my idea of a good time. I threw on a pair of jeans and headed out.

“And there he is, per usual.” Jessica says to me, waiting outside the room.

Jessica Davis, my best friend and dance partner. We met at five years old in level one ballet. Ever since, we’ve been best friends.

Unfortunately, with her was Justin Foley. I have nothing against Justin, just that he’s a football player. I fucking hate football players. Other than that, Justin was okay. I know he’s been through a lot so I’ll cut him some slack. But he’s cutting it close being best friends with my least favorite person in the entire world. But Justin sat with us while the rest of the team sat elsewhere, so I never had to talk to him. Thank god.

“Yeah. ‘Tis me. Per usual, I guess.” I say before taking a big gulp of water.

“How was it today?” Justin asked. He likes to attempt at making conversation with me sometimes.

“What do you mean?”

“Like, did you have fun?”

“I always have fun.”

“Really? I don’t know, man. Sometimes I see you after practice hanging with Jess and you look like you’re about to pass out.”

“That means I had extra fun.” I smile. “The harder you work, the more fun it is.”

“Yeah, that’s definitely not true.” Justin replied. “I work hard in school and I wish I was dead every time I step in the building.”

“You do NOT work hard, Justin. Like it’s not awful, but you could do better.” Jess laughed.

“What does that mean?” He laughs with her.

“It means, you need to get your grades up. I mean, we’re juniors this year. If you don’t start getting that GPA up, you’re not going to a good college.”  
“You forget I’m a football GOD at this school.”

He wasn’t wrong. Justin and _he who shall not be named_ were the best football players at this school. Or so I’ve heard. I’ve been to a few games but I never really paid attention. I don’t even know how the dumb game works. Besides, it’s not like any of the football players actively go to dance recitals for the school’s dancers or anything. So why should I waste my time seeing them perform?

“You wanna come to practice today?” Justin asked Jess.

“I can’t, you know I have dance today.”

“You have dance every day, you’ll be fine if you skip it once.”

“Actually,” I butt in, “Missing one rehearsal can set you back a full minute of a routine.”

“See? Alex gets it.”

“Yeah because Alex does it. Whatever. As long as you’ll be at Friday night’s game.”

“As always. You know dance ends early on Fridays, you should know the schedule by now.” She tells him.

Of course he should know the schedule. Everyday it’s _“I have ballet today”_ or _“I have hip hop tonight”_. Well, hip hop for her. I can dance, but not like that. That’s why I stick strictly to ballet, lyrical, and tap. Even tap is pushing it. I can move elegantly, like a swan in a lake. Jessica can too, only she can also pop and lock. She takes ballet, lyrical, hip hop, and acro. I take ballet, lyrical, and tap. We both took the same two ballet classes - two hours, once on Mondays and another on Thursdays. Lyrical was also together - one hour, Tuesdays. Then I took tap for one hour on Wednesdays while she took hip hop. Fridays were a freebie for me. Jess took acro on Fridays for two hours, giving me lonely Fridays as she went to Justin’s football games right after practice.

Today was Friday, so I got to go home and do nothing while Jess went to class and then the game.

“Hey Alex, you should come to the game tonight too.” Justin suggested.

“And why would I do that?” I answered, confused. No, seriously. Why would I ever do that?

“Come on, you’ve been to a game like, once. I hate going alone. It’ll be fun! I’ll pick you up at six-thirty. Be ready.” Jess says sternly.

“No. Absolutely not.”

“He doesn’t wanna go because Zach is gonna be there.” Justin says.

“Shut up. You’re right, but shut the fuck up.” I smacked his arm.

And almost on cue, here he comes.

Zach Dempsey. Football star. Chick-magnet. Douchebag. He’s the actual worst.

No, he hasn’t done anything to me personally, but his entire world revolves around football, which makes the school revolve around him, which means football matters and nothing else does. Nothing else including dance.

Dance takes practice. Years of studying and rehearsing all the moves, stretching until your mouth can literally kiss your own ass, and slaving away in a studio every day after school perfecting moves and combos. Football was bullshit. You just tackled other kids and threw a ball around. Anyone could do that. _I_ could probably do that.

Plus Zach was just an asshat regardless of what sport he plays. In sixth grade, he got into a fight with this other kid. They were _really_ going at it in the hallway. Me, being the upstanding citizen I am, tried to break them up. Instead, I just threw myself right into the line of fire. Zach proceeded to miss the other kid and punch me right in the face. I had a black eye for weeks. So, now I hate him and everything he does and anyone associated with things he does. Fuck Zach Dempsey.

He walked down the hall with ease, people watched him like he was a goddamn celebrity. It was the most irritating thing in the entire fucking universe. All because he wins a few football games. I don’t even know what he does. But I know it’s fucking stupid. Stupid people do stupid things.

Oh shit he’s walking over here.

“Hey Justin, you ready for tonight?” Zach held out a hand for Justin to smack or whatever.

“You know it buddy.” Justin completed the handshake.

“Jessica! Will you be joining us at tonight’s game m’lady?”

“Of course, as always. You guys should know this by now, class ends at six, game starts at seven.”

“How could we forget?” Zach says sarcastically. Him and Justin laugh.

“And last but most definitely not least, Alex. Buddy. How’s the dancing going.”

“It’s fine.” I say blankly.

“Damn what did I do to you- oh, right. How many days of suspension did I need for you to not hate me?”

“You should’ve been expelled.”

“Whatever you say, Standall.”

I rolled my eyes and grabbed Jessica’s hand, pulling her away. He sucked people in like mosquitoes to a lightbulb.

“I hate him. I hate him and there’s nothing he will ever say or do that will change that.”

“Alex, come on. It was years ago, when are you gonna get over that?”

“Never. My gravestone will have ‘Alex Standall, loving son and friend. And also fuck Zach Dempsey.’ engraved into it.” I say. She laughed as if I wasn’t dead serious.

* * *

When lunch rolled around, I was so tired. Thank god I don’t have dance tonight, I can just go home and sleep forever. Except now I have another task.

“Come on, Alex. I’ll buy you whatever food you want at the game.” Jessica begged.

“I don’t wanna go, Jess. Just accept that I won’t be going.”

“Yeah but now Justin put the idea of you coming tonight. I love Ani, I really do, but she’s so boring at the games. She just hangs out with Clay the whole time and leaves me to sit on the bleachers alone to watch the game. I’ll do anything.”

“Anything?”

“Anything.”

“Convince Amy to let us use the studio this saturday for practice. Two hours.”

“Alex, come on. Anything else. Something that doesn’t require begging our dance teacher until she gives in as opposed to ripping her hair out.”

“Nope. Saturday practice. Two hours. That’s my request.”

She paused for a second to think about it. “Fine.”

“Call me if she says yes, I’ll get ready. But if she says no, forget it.”

“Ok, ok! Yes, this is gonna be so much fun.”

“What is?” Justin says, sitting next to Jessica on the other side of the table.

“Alex said he’d come tonight!” Jessica cheered.

“Oh, sick!”

“No, that’s not what I said. If Jessica can get us extra studio time, then I’ll come. That’s a fair deal.”

“Yeah, yeah. She’ll say yes.”

And she did. Later that day, it was six-ten and I got a call from a very excited Jessica.

“Guess who said yes to practice tomorrow?” She yelled.

“Shit, really? I didn’t think she’d give in.”

“Yeah, I told her it would only be two hours in the morning and I’d bring her coffee from monet’s.”

“Ugh, so you’re picking me up now I assume?”

“Get dressed, I’ll be there in fifteen.”

I hung up the phone and stood up. Shit, I was tired. I had just woken up from my nap, so I still had to shake off the exhaustion. I threw on a pair of jeans and a white t-shirt. Then I remembered it was starting to get colder at night again, and threw on a flannel over the shirt.

How does one even dress for a football game? Actually, forget it. I don’t care.

Ten minutes after that, I heard a car honk outside my house. I grabbed my keys and hurried down the stairs.

“Where are you off to?” My dad said from the kitchen.

“I’m going out with Jessica.”

“Where’s out?”

I sighed. “The football game at school.”

“Really!” He said excitedly. I heard the seat scrape back on the tile floor and quick footsteps coming towards me. “The football game, huh. How about that… never thought I’d that from you.”

“Don’t get excited, I was promised extra rehearsal time tomorrow with Jess at the studio if I went.”

“Well, still. It’s good to see you doing something that doesn’t involve dancing for once.”

“Whatever. Love you.” I said, hurrying out the door. I heard the car honk again.

“Love you too- have fun!” He yelled after me.

“Yeah, sure.” I rolled my eyes. Like I could or would ever have fun a fucking football game. Especially one that Zach’s in.

When we got to the game, it was packed with students. Everyone from school was there, it was so weird. I couldn’t imagine this many students coming to a recital or competition I was in.

“Are you ready?” Jess says with her arm hooked around mine.

“I guess. How does one get ready for a game.”

“I don’t know, I usually buy a Cup Noodle from the snack stand and get a seat close to the front.”

And that’s exactly what we did. Well, I didn’t get ramen. But Jess did before we sat down on the first row of bleachers.

Soon enough, everyone started cheering and loud. I turned my head to see the football players running onto the field. I watched Justin wave over to Jessica. Number twenty-one. Then I saw another player waving, which left the crowd wild. Number eighty-five.

Of course it’s him. Ugh.

The game started eventually, and I can’t even talk about it because I didn’t understand a thing that was going on. Until the end.

I mean, I still don’t know what was going on, but I knew one thing: we were tied.

I watched it as if the world had gone into slow motion. They threw the ball and I watched as number eighty-five run and run and run until- oh shit. OH SHIT.

“TOUCHDOWN!”

The crowd went wild. The other teams crowd did not, but the liberty tigers were losing their shit. I mean, I still don’t get the hype, but it was kind of exciting to see our entire school together and happy about something. It was nice, but I just wanted to be the one they were cheering for.

Nobody gave a shit about dance. That’s what pissed me off. We put in more work than these dopey morons on the field, and yet here stand every student in the school, cheering them on.

After the game, Jessica dragged me to the door where the locker room let out to wait for Justin. The door opened and a few players spilled out, and of course Justin wasn’t one of them. But who else was but fucking Zach.

“Oh hey guys!” He said. Again, eye roll.

“Good game, Zach. Nice winning touchdown.”

“It’s nothing. I’m getting a little rusty though, maybe I’ll do a little dance with you guys to loosen up a bit.” He laughed. Like it would be so fucking easy for him to just pick up where we were in dance. Yeah Zach, just pick up right where we left off and do a few jumps and spins. Try and beat my skill, I fucking dare you.

“Alex, wasn’t expecting you here. Did you like the game?” He asked.

“Sure. Yeah. Loved it. Totally wasn’t dragged here.” I said with a heaping ton of sarcasm.”

“Glad to hear it!” Zach said with a smile.

“That was sarcasm you dope.”

“Oh. Well, it was still a good night.” He said.

The door to the locker room opened up again, and a few more players came out. Finally, Justin.

“Hey guys. Jess! How’d you like the game.”

“Loved it, of course. Only cause you were in it.”

“Right here ma’am.” Zach said with a scoff.

“Sorry, Zachy.” She said as Justin pulled her in by her waist. They kissed and I wanted to puke.

I wasn’t against PDA, I just hated when people stopped a conversation to do it.

“...Anyways. Glad you came Alex. Hope it was worth your while.” He said, lightly punching my arm.

“Don’t punch me.”

“Relax, it’s all fun and games.”

“Yeah, I know.”

Jessica finally broke away from Justin and we headed home.

* * *

The next morning, I woke up to my alarm blaring. Saturday practice, right. I leaped out of bed and threw on my tights and white t-shirt - the required attire for ballet. I grabbed my dance bag and keys before heading out to my car.

I got there at eight am sharp, climbing out of the car as Jessica pulled into the lot.

“I can’t believe I agreed to this.” She said, rubbing her eyes for exhaustion.

“Hey, you were the one who wanted to go to the game. Fair deal, remember?”

“Yeah, I remember.” She said before a yawn.

We headed into the studio where Amy, our ballet teacher, was waiting for us.

“You guys ready?” She asked as she unlocked studio B.

“As always.” I say with a smile. She took a sip of the coffee Jess had bought her.

We got set up and into position. “Five, six, seven, eight, and one, two…”

_Pique turn, pique turn, la seconde, la seconde, plie, calypso, again, and rest._

“You guys wanna know a little secret?” Amy starts.

“Of course.” Jessica says, excited.

“I guess so.” I say with a sigh and a smile.

“Monday’s class will have a new student.” Amy says.

What? A month into class and we have a new student? “Who is she?”

“It’s actually a he.”

Ok, now I’m excited. I was the only guy in the studio, so having another guy would be fucking fantastic. Stellar, even.

“Who is he?” Jessica says with wide eyes and a smile.

“I don’t remember his name right now, but I know he goes to your school. Football player. The coach contacted me and said he had a player in need of some flexibility and focus training, so I said I’d help him out.” I bet it’s Charlie St.George. He looks like he’d be into dancing. “You’ll meet him in Monday’s class.”

“Awesome!” Jessica says with excitement.

“Alright, relax. Back to rehearsing.”

 _Pique turn, pique turn, la seconde…_ I repeat the combo in my head.

“Five, six, seven, eight…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahh i hope you guys enjoyed this, i'll try to get chapters out as soon as they're done which hopefully doesn't take too long. if u have any feedback or anything u can find me at @unsaidfoley on twitter !! enjoy :)


	2. Chapter 2

Bell rings. Airpods away. Change in the locker room. Take a deep breath. Leave the studio. See Jess and Justin. Walk with them to class.

“So,” Jess starts as we walk down the hallway. “Are you excited for tonight?”

“What does that mean?” Justin asks.

“Amy said there’s gonna be a new student in class tonight. A boy.” She responds.

Justin looked almost offended. “You gonna leave me for some ballerina boy?”

“No, no. I’m saying Alex should be excited that there’s gonna be another boy dancer in the studio since like third grade.”

“Yeah, whatever. I bet he has no skill whatsoever. I’m gonna cream that boy, whoever he is.” I say sternly. “Some stupid football player doesn’t have a chance against me.”

“I thought you were excited!” Jess nudges me.

“I was, but now I realize he’s gonna suck. He’s a football player, remember? He’s gonna be some idiot who’s only there to pick up girls.”

“Wait- football player?” Justin stops.

“Yeah, why?” Jess turns.

“Ohhh boy.”

“What.” I ask with anger.

“You guys are in for a real treat tonight.”

“What does that mean?”

“Nope, lips sealed.”

And he didn’t say another word about it all day. Even during lunch when we begged him to tell us what he knew. What _did_ he know? Who was gonna be there tonight? My bet is still on Charlie. He seems like he’d be into it too.

It wasn’t until later that day that I was really curious. I’m scared now. Who the hell did the coach assign to our class?

* * *

I pulled up to the studio with anticipation. Ever since Justin said what he said, throughout the day I just got more and more worried. Not excited, worried. It was really freaking me out. I’ve been the only boy in the studio since Winston Williams who left after third grade. I think he moved away, though. Maybe he moved back. Who knows.

I walked into the studio and set my bag down. I saw Jess practicing fouettes with a few other girls. I walked up to her when she finished and tapped her shoulder.

“Hey! I’m so excited. Seriously, I’ve been thinking about this moment all day.” She said with a huge grin.

“Where is he though?” I said, looking around.

“Alright guys, lets begin.”

We formed our two lines, me and Jessica in the front. She formed the lines by more skilled people in the front and people who need more help in the back. I’m not trying to brag, I just work extra hard to stay in this front line.

Class is starting, where the hell is he? The music starts and Amy starts reading off positions and moves.

All of the sudden, the door opens loudly. No discretion whatsoever.

“Are you Amy?” A deep voice asks. I looked in the mirror to see who it was.

No. No. No. This has to be a joke. This has to be some sick and twisted fucking joke to fuck with me. This can’t be real.

“Zach Dempsey, I assume.” Amy says with a blank face. He was already on her bad side. Amy hated when people were late, especially when they barged in instead of knocking and waiting for her signal to come in.

“That’s me.” He said quietly. He didn’t look too thrilled to be here.

“Everyone, we have a new student joining us today. I normally would never put a beginner in such an advanced class, but I would feel bad sticking a 6’3 football player with the little girls. I don’t want to scare them.”

Well shit, Amy. _I’m_ fucking scared. What the fuck is he doing here? I fucking hate my life.

Dance is my thing. He has football. Dance was my safe space. The place where I could do where I love and not have to worry about anyone judging me, but of course now fucking Zach is here to ruin it all. He’ll probably sit here and make fun of me the entire time. Shit, now my focus is gone. She’s gonna move me to the back row, I fucking know it. Shit. He’s been here all of a minute and he’s already ruining my life.

Oh, and to top it all off, he showed up in basketball shorts. I’m sitting here in my black tights, and he’s wearing fucking basketball shorts.

“Zach, I don’t expect you to know anything. I’ll work with you privately sometime to teach you the basics, so for now just watch.”

Well at least I could show off for him. I bet he’s never seen a dance in his life.

“Actually, guys. Let’s try something different for our newest addition. Girls, sit down. Alex, front and center.”

What. WHAT? This is hell. This is literal hell. No, this is a dream. No, a nightmare. My worst fucking nightmare.

I positioned myself in the center of the room, closer to the front, and got into fifth position.

“Alex, combo one. Finish with fouette for a full eight count.”

Ok, I can live with combo one. The music starts.

“Five, six, seven, eight.”

_Plie, plie, releve, moving towards the front in fifth, plie, fouette spins count one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, and rest._

“Beautiful. One more. Combo four across the floor.”

Scissor leaps. Perfect.

“Five, six, seven, eight.”

I started the combo, trying my hardest to just look at myself in the mirror. But with him standing _right there_ watching me was making me feel like absolute shit. I did the beginning of the combo, and then prepped for the leap, and there it is.

In the air, air blowing in my face and pushing back my hair before gravity pulls me down and I land in an open fourth position. I finish with a plie and then music stops.

“Perfect as always, Alex.” Amy says. Thank god. I was expecting criticism beyond belief. “Zach, I don’t expect that from you, of course. But I’d like you to try your best to follow along.”  
The girls stand up and form the lines again.

“Actually, let’s pull out the barres.” She said. We all scramble to pull three barres from the wall and arrange them vertical to the mirror. “Zach, get behind Alex. Try your best to study his movement and posture.”

I watch as he gets behind me on the right side of the bar. He leans close behind me.

“That was really good, Standall.” He whispers.

“Shut the fuck up, Dempsey.” I whisper back.

We started doing simple tendu combos on the bar, and the entire time he just started at me. I mean, Amy told him to. But it was still annoying. Just like everything else he did.

At the end of class, I threw on my sneakers and headed out. Zach was in front of me, and I couldn’t help but say something about his sudden joining of our class.

“What the fuck, Zach?”

“What?” He turns around, about to open his car door.

“Why the fuck are you here? This is my thing. Mine. You can’t just swoop in and take it away from me.”

“I’m not taking shit from you. You think I wanna be here? The last game was a fucking shitshow, coach told me it was join this for ‘flexibility and focus’ or go back to being just another player on the team instead of captain. Trust me, I have much better things to do with my time than twirling around a dance studio with you, Standall.”

“That’s it? That’s your excuse, coach made you do it. No, I know why you’re here.”

“Why am I here then, Alex. Tell me.”

“You came here to fuck with me even more.”

“If I wanted to fuck with you, I’d do it in school. You think I’m happy to be here? To have my friends drive by and see my ass doing ballet?”

“Wow, cause boys doing ballet is such a horrible sight to see, huh?”

“For me, yeah, it is. I’m a jock, a football player. Not some ballerina boy.”

“Ok, fuck you, Zach. For real this time.”

“Yeah, sure. Bye, Standall.”

He opened his car door and got into the front seat, slamming the door shut once he was in. He didn;t even bother to buckle his seatbelt, just slammed on the gas and pulled out as fast as he could.

“What was that?” Jessica said with a hint of confusion and anger.

“He’s ruining my life more and more everyday.”

“Well he didn’t look too happy to be here in the first break. Give him a break, it was like five years ago. Relax.” She said with wide eyes.

“Whatever. You wanna come over?” I asked her.

“No, you need to cool off. Plus I told Justin I’d hang out with him today after rehearsal.”

“I figured. Whatever, I’ll see you tomorrow.” I say before getting in my car.

* * *

I fell onto my bed, exhaustion spreading quickly through my body. I’ve never been so pissed off in my life.

Of course he was here to ruin my life even more. What next? I have to go to the dance with him? Fuck this. Fuck all of this. Fuck him.

I couldn’t stop thinking about him. He was stuck in my mind like he had super-glued himself there. I crawled under the covers, still in my uniform, ready to take the biggest nap of my life. But of course my mind was racing too fast to rest. Eventually, though, I started to drift off to bed.

* * *

When I woke up, it was pitch black. I picked up my phone to check the time. 3:27am. Fuck. I don’t have to be up for another two hours but of course here I am, wide awake. I just needed sleep. Really bad, all I wanted to do was sleep. Maybe I’ll just skip school today and sleep all day. That sounds good.

But if I skip school I have to fake sick and if I fake sick I’ll have to skip dance. Skipping dance would be a terrible mistake that I’d regret right after. I’ve only skipped a class once in my life because I had a stomach bug in fourth grade. After that, I made it my goal to never be sick enough to skip dance or school again. And I never did. My attendance for both have been perfect for years. If I ruined it now I’d be extremely pissed by the time it was over and I realized it wouldn’t have been that bad if I had just gone.

I scrolled through tiktok and twitter until around seven am. I decided to skip early solo practice cause I just couldn’t be bothered to get up that early. When I did get up, I threw on some jeans and a t-shirt and headed out.

When I got there, Jessica looked pissed waiting for me.

“Where were you? I thought you were skipping, I got worried.” She said with a concerned expression.

“I just slept in, it’s fine.”

“You. Alex Standall. Sleeping in. That’s funny. No, really, where were you.”

“Seriously. I was tired as shit so I slept in.”

“Shit, really?” She answered with confusion. “That’s not like you.”

“I know. I was debating skipping cause I was so tired but I didn’t wanna ruin my perfect attendance. Also, if I skip school I have to skip dance. You know how I feel about skipping dance.”

“Yup. Why are you so tired?”

“I don’t know. Just have a lot of shit on my mind, I guess.”

“Shit like what?”

“It’s not important. We’re gonna be late to first.”

We weren’t, but if I told her what, or _who_ , was on my mind all night, she’d freak out. So I just left it alone and told her to do the same.

Eventually we find Justin and he’s just as confused as Jessica was when she told him where I was.

The school day went by slower than ever, by the time it was over it felt like a year had passed. I just wanted to go home. But dance was more important than sleep. Today was lyrical, one of my favorites. Right now we were doing a dance to ‘Self Control’ by Frank Ocean. It wasn’t for a recital or competition piece, just for fun, but it was still really beautiful.

It’s hard to even explain the feeling I get when I’m doing lyrical. It’s like… I feel like the most beautiful thing in the world. Like I’m dancing in a beautiful garden in a castle or something. The piece involves me and Jess as the main dancers, which means a lot to me.

Dancing as a whole means a lot to me. It was just the best feeling in the world no matter how tired I was already ready for dance.

Well, I used to be. I no longer can get that feeling during a monday class now that _he_ was there.

He just ruins my life more and more each day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope you guys enjoyed this chapter, again any feedback, comments, kudos, always appreciated!! and also again you can contact me at @unsaidfoley on twitter :)


	3. Chapter 3

“Five, six, seven, and rest.”

I straightened up from my plie as the music paused before letting the breath out that I had been holding in. It was Thursday night, the end of my second ballet class of the week. Thank god that idiot was only doing the Monday class, I don’t think I could handle him ruining my favorite dance class twice a week.

I was still in shock that he was there at all. A buff, 6’4, douchebag football player was in _my_ ballet class. Of course! Why would he be in anyone else’s class? God hates me, I’ve come to the conclusion.

I packed up my stuff and threw on my sneakers before heading out of the studio without a word to anyone. Holy shit, I was so fucking tired. I need to buy some melatonin or something, I barely sleep anymore. Everyday I’m just dragging myself around wishing I was home in bed. I just want to go home.

So I did. I drove my ass home, didn’t even talk to Jessica after class, just picked up my shit and drove him.

I do all my homework throughout the school day during lunch or study hall, this way I could come home from dance and just get to relax. But even when I got home, I was just sitting in my pajamas and trying to fall asleep but failing. Most nights I was able to drift off for a few hours, but never long enough to be relieved of my constant exhaustion. I don’t know how I’ve even survived this long without getting yelled at for being tired during dance class.

I think the lack of sleep is why I was always practicing in the morning. Not because I couldn’t sleep so I had nothing better to do, but because it relaxed me. Not enough to sleep or anything, but I tend to always be pissed off in the morning because of the lack of sleep the night before. Dancing made me less pissed off, thus morning practice was necessary. I mean, I was always pissed off anyways about multiple things all the time, but the morning practice eased it.

It was now five am. Early enough to shower before morning practice. Perfect.

I hopped into the shower and felt the hot water hit my chest. I could feel my eyes half closed from being so tired, but the rush of water was signaling my body to wake itself up. It was kind of working. As much as showering before practice was kind of stupid because I was just going to wind up getting sweaty in an hour, it was primal for waking myself up.

I got dressed into normal clothes, grabbed my backpack and dance bag, and headed to the school. I popped a stick of gum in my mouth as well, still trying to wake up more.

When I got there, I unlocked the dance room door and opened the lights. Another typical day. Ugh.

I loved my routine, I did. Early practice, school, dance class, home. It was nice.

I plugged in my airpods and turned on _Self Control_ by Frank Ocean - the song for lyrical. It was weird doing the routine alone when the routine is more of a duet between me and Jess, but I still wanted to practice it nonetheless.

 _I’ll be the boyfriend in your wet dreams tonight,_ it started. I really wish we could do this routine for competition or even just recital. It was one of my favorites that I’ve ever done.

It was a simple one, too. No big leaps or fouettes. Just graceful movements to the soft music. It was nice to just do a simple piece like this for once. I was so used to putting my all into everything, but this one was different. I could just move my body around, barely focus on it at all and still end it perfectly.

Halfway through the song was where we left off last class, so I turned to walk over to my stuff so I could change the music. I jumped when I saw him.

“You scared the shit out of me. What in the fuck are you doing here?” I asked.

He walked closer to me. “Wanted to see what you were up to.”

“That’s creepy.” I say back to him. Of course he’s here. Zach Dempsey doesn’t even need a reason to be here, it’s just his annoyingness taking over and forcing him here.

“I’m fucking with you. There’s usually football practice before school Friday mornings but it was cancelled today. Nobody told me until I got here and saw no one. The office ladies told me it would be stupid to go home and come back, so I’ve been wandering around the school for an hour already doing jackshit. And when I was wandering, I saw the lights on in here. Figured someone was doing something in here.”

“Yeah, someone is doing something in here. Me. Dancing. Can you get out now?”

“Come on, I have nothing better to do. I’ll be quiet.” He says innocently. I roll my eyes.

“Fine. But I swear to god if I hear a single word come from your mouth, an ounce of criticism, I will cut you.” I threaten. He puts his hands up in defense.

When I start to put my airpods back in, I see his hand raise.

“What?”

“I have a request.” He says.

“What fucking request?” I say in annoyance.

“Can you play the music out loud?”

“I don’t have access to the speaker in here.”

“I have a speaker.”

“Why do you have a speaker?”

“The stereo in my car didn’t work for a little while so I used to carry it around so my car rides wouldn’t be awkwardly quiet. I never took it out of my bag.”

I rolled my eyes with a quiet _ugh_ escaping my lips. “Fine.”

I connected my phone to the speaker and placed it next to him on the floor. What should I play… 

Everything just seemed embarrassing to do in front of him. It wasn’t that I was intimidated by him, I had just never done this for just one person besides my dance teacher. An entire crowd was fine, I couldn’t see their faces. Judges are fine, they’re paid to watch me dance. But Zach _asked_ to watch me dance. If I didn’t do something good, then yeah, I was gonna be embarrassed. Showing someone a routine who’s never seen any routine in his life was kind of big. I didn’t want the first routine he saw of mine to be some stupid immature piece.

I was gonna practice tap after lyrical, but I don’t want him to watch me click-clack along while he just sits there. He’ll probably leave and tell all his popular football friends how awful dancing is and they shouldn’t pay any attention to it.

I’m definitely over thinking this.

Wait. I know what I could put on.

Freshman year lyrical routine. _Freshman year lyrical routine._ I had been chosen to do a solo for competition. I won first place that year. The song was _Postcard_ by Troye Sivan. It’s one of my favorites. Leaps, turns, the whole thing. I looked up the song on spotify and hit play.

I could feel the energy running through my body. The flow of the music coursing through my veins like my blood was being replaced with piano notes. My arms moved around gracefully, and each step I took was slow and peaceful.

When the song ended, I let out a deep breath. I turned to Zach.

“Can I speak?” He asks. I raise my eyebrows and stretch my neck to rudely signal a yes. “That was really good. Like, _really_ good. Like I could never do that.”

“You know I’ve been doing this my whole life, right? I’m not good cause I’m just good, I’m good because my entire life is dedicated to being good at it. I don’t go to class four times a week and practice everyday before school for fun.”

“Well your work is paying off. That was really good.”

Wow. For once, I didn’t want to vomit when he spoke. He was being nice. Like, genuinely nice. Not sarcastically or teasingly nice. Actually nice. A genuine compliment on my art. What the hell do I say now?

“Thanks.” I say. I look at the clock. The bell is about to ring any second now.

“Oh shit, I gotta go.” Zach says as he quickly stands up.

“Why, can’t have your friends see you hanging out with some loser dancer freak?”

“You’re not a loser. And no, I have to meet up with the football team and beat them up for not telling me practice was cancelled.” He starts walking and then pauses in his footsteps. “Not that this wasn’t fun. You were good. I just hate the team and need a reason to smack each of them.”

He wasn’t being serious, he’s literally on the team. He doesn’t hate them, they're his friends. Fucking idiot.

“Also, before I go, I’m having a party tonight. It’s at my house. Justin’s going, so I assume Jessica is. I assume you don’t know where I live, so if you come you can just go with them.”

“I’m not going to your fucking party, Zach. We’re not friends.”

“I didn’t say we were. It’s a party, not an orgy. Relax.” He said. The _relax_ infuriated me. “I bet you’re great on the dance floor.”

As the door shut behind him, the first bell rang through the school.

* * *

“So,” Justin says as he sits at the lunch table in his usual spot next to Jessica. “Party at Zach’s house tonight. You guys wanna come? It’s open invite.”

And there it is. Zach’s plan was in motion. I don’t know what his plan actually is, but somethings definitely gonna happen if I go tonight.

“Why would I go to a party at fucking Zach’s house?”

“Because Jessica’s going.” Justin says unbothered.

“Since when?” I ask.

Justin turns to Jessica with his world-famous puppy dog eyes. “Jessica?”

“I mean, as long as it’s after dance, sure. I’ll go.”

Fuck. Of course she’d say yes to him. Shit, I’d say yes to him. Stupid puppy dog eyes.  
“Fine,” I say. “I’ll go. But only for an hour. And I’m not drinking.”

“Of course you won’t be drinking. God forbid Alex Standall unclenches his asshole for a night…” Jessica says.

“What does that mean?” I say. Was she serious?

“It’s a joke, damn. But if anything that just proved my point a little more. A party will be good for you. You need to let loose once in a while. Or just once.” She explains.

Wow. Fine, Jessica. I’ll have fun. I’ll have the most fun I’ve ever had tonight. Don’t even sweat it.

But that didn’t mean I’d stop hating Zach. His house, his party, whatever. He’s still a piece of shit. Asshole. I don’t even know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the party chapter is gonna be fun i promise, and its a 2 parter so be prepared for a bit of a cliffhanger. anyways, hope you enjoyed it, comments and kudos are appreciated and u can contact me with ideas or feedback at @unsaidfoley on twitter :)


	4. Chapter 4

It took me a full hour to decide what I should wear to this party. I’ve never been to a high school party before, let alone know how to dress for one.

First, it was dress pants and a button up and a tie. Way too dressy.

I took off the tie. Still too dressy.

Then it was sweatpants and a baggy t-shirt. Way too casual.

I put a tighter t-shirt on. Not like, tight tight. Just normal tight. Still, sweatpants were too lazy. Or were they?

I thought of something. Something I’ve wanted to do for a while. But first, call Jessica and ask if she approves before I embarrass myself.

While the phone was ringing, I remembered: She’s in the middle of class. I couldn’t call Clay, he’s probably not even going. Yeah, he was Justin’s brother, but he didn’t really do any of the shit Justin did besides sit with us at lunch. I couldn’t call Ani, we’re not really friends. So I called my only other option - Justin. Not that we were the best of friends, but it was less weird than calling Ani who might not even be going. I wouldn’t wanna tell her and then she feels bad if she didn’t even know it was happening.

“Hello?” He picked up.

“Hey, about the party tonight…”

“Oh my god, you’re coming!” He said excitedly into the phone.

“I told you I was coming. At lunch.”

“Yeah but I didn’t think you meant it.”

“Oh… anyways, what are you wearing?”

“Probably what I’m wearing right now.”

I rolled my eyes, even if he couldn’t see it. “And what would that be?”

“Jeans and a t-shirt. It’s not like a fancy party or anything, wear whatever you want.”

“Whatever I want?” I ask.

“Why did you call me instead of Jessica for fashion advice? I wear the same shit everyday.”

“She’s at dance.”

“Oh shit, yeah. Ok so, what were you thinking of wearing?”

“...”

“Well?”

“You can’t laugh.”

“I won’t laugh. Unless you say a bowtie, in which case I will fucking laugh.”

“It’s not a bowtie…”

“Ok so? What is it?”

“A crop top.”

“Oh my god.”

“What?”

“Do it. Please. It’ll be so cool.”

“Cool or funny?”

“No, seriously. Crop tops are hot. I remember Johnny Depp wearing one in _A Nightmare On Elm Street,_ so I can tell you right now it’ll look so good.”

“Are you sure? I don’t want your idiot football friends to make fun of me cause my stomach is out.”

“They won’t. And if they do, I’ll beat them up. Deal?”  
“Ok, ok. Now answer this.”

“What is it?”

“Jeans or sweatpants?”

“Uhh… sweatpants are cool. Yeah, do sweatpants.”

“Alright, cool.”

“Word.”

“See you later.”

“See ya!” Justin said before hanging up.

I pulled out an old shirt I had been meaning to give back to Jess. It was a white crop top with the NASA logo on it. It had elbow long sleeves with stripes, one red and one blue, going around the bottom of each sleeve. She left it here a few months ago when she slept over at the beginning of the summer. I always thought about trying it on but I didn’t want people getting the wrong idea about me. I wasn’t gay or anything.

I mean, I haven’t even out much thought into it. I’m pretty sure I wasn’t. Shit. Whatever, not the focus right now.

I put the shirt over my head, expecting it to be too small but it wound up fitting perfectly. I threw on a pair of blue sweatpants and let them hang around my hips. I walked over to the mirror and looked into it.

Ok. Not bad, Alex. Thanks for the confidence too, Justin.

Like, yeah, I could get seriously made fun of for this outfit. But you know what? It goes hard.

Shit. Now I’m excited for the party. I can’t be excited about it. I don’t even wanna go. Except, now I do. It’s fine, nobody knows anyways. I consider myself a pretty good actor considering nobody at school knows jackshit about me. They know I dance, and I’m friends with Justin Foley’s girlfriend. That’s about it.

Maybe they’ll think I’m cool at this party tonight. I’m getting a bit ahead of myself, aren’t I?

* * *

I had been sitting on my phone for a few hours when I heard loud music blaring outside.

That’s definitely them.

I grabbed my keys and shoved them in my pocket, hurrying out the door before my dad could see me. He wasn’t against me dressing like this, I don’t think. I just can’t deal with whatever his reaction would be if he saw me wearing it. Also, he has no idea I’m going to a party right now. As far as he’s concerned, I’m just sleeping over Jessica’s house tonight.

I slipped out the door and ran over to the car. As I was walking, I watched Justin and Jessica’s jaws drop into shocked smiles. Jess rolled down the window of the passenger's side door.

“Holy shit. You look fucking amazing.” She says.

“Dude, what did I say? I told you it would look sick.” Justin adds.

“Wait, you knew about this?” She turns to him.

“You were at dance, so he called me.” He says with a matter-of-fact grin.

“Well shit, whoever’s idea that was deserves some sort of fucking award for it. It was a stellar idea.”

I rolled my eyes, but with a smile this time. I walked over to the backseat and climbed in.

Before we even got there, just driving down the block, I could hear music blaring from his house. As we got closer and closer, the music got louder and louder. I could tell which house it was when we got there because there was a blue light coming from the backyard.

Holy shit, Zach lived in a big ass house. Or maybe I just lived in a small house, who knows. Either way, his party looked pretty fucking massive. _Now_ the anxiety was starting to set in.

I forgot how many people went to our school. And how many were friends with all the popular kids. And how many _were_ the popular kids. I kind of kept to myself in school except for Jessica and Justin. I said hi to a few people in the halls sometimes, but other than them I was pretty quiet usually.

“You ready, Alex?” Jessica asks.

“Wait, this is your first party, right?” Justin asks after her.

“Yeah it’s my first party.” I say blankly. Shit, they could definitely tell I was nervous.

“Alright, chill. It’s nothing bad. Here's what you need to know before you go in: one - if someone hands you a drink, and it’s purple or blue or an actual color, don’t drink it. If it’s pink, just make sure there's nothing at the bottom cause that could just be vodka. If there is something at the bottom, or it tastes like cough medicine, don’t drink it. Unless you’re into that, in which case be my guest. Second - if someone offers you a pill, don’t fucking take it. Trust me, you don’t want to go down that road.”

I remember when Justin was into all that shit. Drugs, I mean. I remember Jessica going through trying to find him when he got kicked out - they had gotten into a fight the night before. He didn’t have the best homelife, so he was constantly sleeping out. When his mother’s awful boyfriend _Meth Seth_ kicked him out, he didn’t call or text anyone. It was Clay who found him a few weeks later, on the streets, turning into his mother.

Jessica was there for all of it, meaning I was also there for most of it. I remember his withdrawals, his overdose, but most importantly, his adoption. I remember the day the Jensens adopted him - he had never looked happier to be in a courtroom. The most important thing was that he was clean and safe now, which meant he knew what he was talking about when he was explaining the do’s and don'ts of high school partying.

“A lastly - if you do decide to drink, do it responsibly. Don’t get so shitfaced you’re puking all over someone else's house. I’ve seen it happen - very embarrassing.”

“Ok so, basically, say no to drugs.” I say.

“No, say no to _hard_ drugs. A little alcohol won’t kill you.”

“Got it.”

“You guys done?” Jessica says, finishing putting a bright red lipstick around her lips and popping them.

“All ready to go. That lipstick is hot, too.” Justin says leaning in for a kiss.

“So hot that you want it on your lips too?” She stops him.

“Good point.” He says, leaning back. Then he swiftly kisses her forehead and they both start giggling like kids.

I wish I had that.

We stepped out of the car and walked into the house. It was weird just walking into a house instead of knocking or ringing the doorbell. But I figured I’d just go along with it. It’s not like I’ve ever done this before, so tonight will probably just be following the two of them around.

When we walked in, the music was a whole lot louder. I was used to loud music, the music rang in the studio when we rehearsed in class. But this was _really_ blasting. And it was rap. I don’t have anything against rap, it’s just not my style. But Justin and Jessica seemed to know every word to the song that was playing.

As I walked further and further into the house, people were staring a little bit. Nothing bad yet, I don’t think. This fucking crop top. It’s going to bring me way more attention than I wanted tonight.

“This was a mistake, I wanna go home.” I turned around to face the couple.

“Nope, you look fantastic and we’re already here. No turning back now.” Jessica said.

“Dude, you look great and you’re gonna feel great when you’re not so tense. Go have a drink or something, loosen up. It’s not like you’re gonna be the one driving home.” Justin reassured me.

“I guess you’re right.” I said with a sigh.

I stood where I was for a minute before a certain giant came over to me. I can’t even be mad, I mean, it is his house for god’s sake.

“Standall, you made it! Happy to see you buddy.” He lightly punched my arm.

“Don’t be fooled, this wasn’t my idea.”

“Well I’m glad you came. Oh, and might I add, the fit tonight goes hard. Girls will eat that shit up.” He says, looking me up and down. “Seriously, you look great tonight.”

“Just shut up.” I say to him.

“Uh, anyways… there’s various drinks on the table or a keg out back, whatever you’re into man. Or if you’re not drinking tonight, there’s snacks all around the house, or feel free to scour my kitchen for something to eat.” He explained.

I hated when he was actually nice to me. It made _me_ the asshole.

Suddenly, there was a loud chanting of “CHUG, CHUG, CHUG” coming from across the room.

“I guess I should see what that’s about.” He said, starting to walk away. He turned around as he was walking. “Just chill, man. It’s gonna be a good night. Promise.” As he kept walking, I could hear him join in on the chanting.

Everyday, it was getting harder and harder to hate him. Of course, I’d never get over him punching me in the face. But shit, he was starting to seem like a good guy which, again, made me out to be the asshole.

* * *

About an hour later, I found myself sitting on a couch on my phone. It was pretty much that since I talked to Zach when I first walked in.

Then I got it: the notification that my phone was at ten percent. Shit. I didn’t even think to bring a charger. I turned my head to ask the kid next to me if they had a charger, but he seemed busy making out with whoever was on the other side of him. I stood up and started to search for my friends. I was aimlessly walking around for a minute before I bumped into someone.

“Oh, hey Alex!” The boy said.

“Hey, Charlie. Do you have a phone charger by any chance?”

“I do not. Zach’s room is down the hall if you wanna use his for a little bit. I doubt he’d care.

“Thanks. You having fun?” I asked.

“Uh, kind of. Parties aren’t really my scene, but I could always enjoy a free drink once in a while.”

“I get that.”

I walked away after that in search of Zach’s room. It felt weird looking for someone else’s room when I wasn’t invited in. I was barely invited into the house, let alone the bedroom.

Shit, that sounded dirty. Promise it wasn’t.

I opened every door down the hall, and it seemed there was a couple doing something in just about every room. I finally reached the end of the hall which had a locked room. Lucky enough, I knew how to pick a lock. I reached into my pocket in search of a bobby pin. Then it dawned on me that I’ve never casually carried around bobby pins.

I wandered into the bathroom looking for one and found one in a drawer under the sink. I picked it up and went on my way back to the room.

While picking this lock, it occurred to me that there might be a couple doing something else in there. But by the time that really set in, I had already opened the door.

Luckily, I was wrong. The room was empty. It was definitely Zach’s room as it was covered in posters and had a picture of him and an older man on the nightstand next to the bed. I peaked my head all around before noticing a charger hanging next to the nightstand. I shut the door and walked over to the charger, plugging my phone in and sitting on the bed to continue scrolling through tiktok while it charged.

As much as I’ll sit around and talk about how overrated tiktok is, I’ll forever be scrolling along like it’s my religion. That, and twitter. Twitter was _much_ better than instagram if you ask me. But hey, maybe that’s just my opinion.

Eventually, sitting turned into laying down, and the laying down started making me sleepy. I figured, I never slept for long anyways, so a little nap couldn’t hurt. I mean, yeah, maybe it was weird to nap in someone else’s room at a party. But I was so exhausted I didn’t even care.

I kept scrolling before unintentionally drifting off.

* * *

When I woke up, I checked the time on my phone. Holy shit - it’s fucking midnight. Fuck. I looked out the window on the side of the room. There were no cars besides one in the driveway. I looked at the notifications on my phone.

Ten missed calls from Jessica, seven from Justin, and about a hundred texts from each of them.

I swiped on the missed call notification for Jessica. She picked up shortly after.

“Dude, what happened to you?”

“I was charging my phone in some bedroom and wound up falling asleep. Where are you?”

“I’m at home with Justin. Everyone started leaving and we couldn’t find you, so we figured you just got a ride with someone else and went to bed at home.

“Shit. Can you pick me up?”

“I can’t, actually. Justin’s asleep and I’m still a little tipsy. Is anyone still there to give you a ride?”

“I don’t see any cars outside, but I’ll go check.”

“Alright. Let me know.”

“Okay.” I say before hanging out.

I left the bedroom and made my way back to the living room. The only person there was Zach. He was holding a big black garbage bag and throwing every red solo cup lying around into it.

“Where did everyone go?” I asked. He jumped.

“They left. I kicked everyone out like a half hour ago. Where have you been?”

“I fell asleep.”

“Where?”

I stood there for a second in embarrassment. “Your room. I was just looking for a charger and I fell asleep with my phone in the charger.”

“It’s fine. Can you get a ride home?”

“I was actually gonna ask you for one.”

“I’m still kind of drunk. Like, I totally would, I just refuse to drive even if I was the tiniest bit drunk.”

I let out a sigh. “What should I do? I don’t have any money for an uber and everyone I know is home and still too drunk or high to drive.”

He paused. “You might not be excited about it, but I do have an idea.”

I was actually kind of scared as to what his _idea_ was. “What is it?”

“My mom and sister are gone all weekend. You could spend the night if you really can’t find a ride home.”

Shit. I have to have a sleepover with my least favorite person in the entire fucking universe. I literally fucking hate it here.

“I guess, if I don’t have any other options.” I say with a sigh.

“If you’re tired, feel free to go back to my bed and go to bed. I don’t really sleep after parties, so I’ll probably just be here watching tv.”

“That nap I took was probably it for the night. I don’t really sleep regardless of going out at night.”

“Then I guess we have a long night ahead of us.” He says, letting out a breath. Not really a sigh, just a deep breath out.

“I guess we do.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> part two of the after party will probably be out tomorrow so don't go far. you guys know how it is, kudos and comments are always appreciated and you can contact me for anything at @unsaidfoley on twitter :)


	5. Chapter 5

“You mind helping me?” Zach asked.

“No, no. Where’s the garbage bags?” I responded.

“They’re in the last cabinet before the washroom.”

I walked over to the washroom in search of a cabinet. I looked to my right and saw a long one and opened it. Up and down my eyes went until I saw an open box with a black bag hanging half out of it. I pulled it out of the box and started cleaning up in the kitchen.

“So, where are your parents and sister?” I asked.

“My mom took my sister to some violin competition further down state. They’ll be away all weekend.”

“And your dad?”

He paused and let out a sigh before continuing to pick up trash around the living room. “He’s, uh… he’s dead.”

“Oh.” I paused. What do I say to that? “I’m sorry.”

“It’s all good, it was two years ago.”

“Still. I can’t even think of what I’d do if my dad just never came home from work one day.”

“He’s a cop, right?”

“The sheriff, actually. So, yeah.”

“That must be rough. How do you get away with anything?”

I rolled my eyes. “I don’t do anything stupid enough to have to ‘get away with’.”

He let out a scoff-laugh. “Yeah, I forgot. Mister ‘I do nothing wrong ever’ would _never_.”

“Yeah, because I have a very good future I need to keep in check, and that doesn’t involve getting into massive trouble.”

“I guess so. But you need to let loose once in a while. Like, did you even take a single sip of a drink tonight?”

“...No.”

“That’s what I thought.”

After that, we finished cleaning in silence. By the end, both of our giant bags were filled to the brim with empty cups and bottles. We took them outside and left them in the garbage bins. Then, as we headed back inside, I tripped on the step leading to the door.

“Shit!” I yelled out.

“Oh shit, are you okay?” Zach rushed to me.

“Yeah, yeah. I’m good.”

“You’re bleeding.” He said, pointing to my arm. There was a long scrape running down it. I let out a groan - a mix of annoyance and pain. “Come on, I have some bandages in the bathroom.”

We headed inside and the blood from the scrape started to drip onto the floor.

“Shit, it’s getting everywhere.” I said. “Sorry.”

“Don’t worry about it, it’s not that much. We’ll clean it later. For now, let’s get you cleaned up.” He said, continuing to walk to the same bathroom I found that bobby pin in. The bobby pin that ruined my fucking night.

We got into the bathroom where I grabbed a bunch of tissue and started to wipe up the blood still dripping down my arm.

“No, don’t do that.” He said, taking the toilet paper from my hand. “You have to clean it first.”

He started running the water from the sink. “Isn’t that gonna sting?”

“Only for a second. Would you rather a second of that or weeks of pain if it gets infected?”

I guess he was right. For once. I sighed before putting my arm under the water. I let out a gasp of pain. “Shit! That hurt like a bitch.”

“Yeah, but again, would you rather have it infected?”

“What’s next?”

He took out a big tube of neosporin and opened it. “This one doesn’t hurt, don’t worry.”

He squeezed some of the ointment onto his finger and started rubbing it slowly on the cut. I winced in pain. The neosporin didn’t sting, but him touching it did.

“Sorry.” He said, noticing the pained look on my face. He finished with the neosporin, wiping his finger on his shirt and putting the tube back in the cabinet. He then grabbed a box of gauze pads and took a few out, along with some cloth tape to keep it on my arm.

“How are you so good with this stuff?” I asked him.

He let out a small laugh. “You know I play football, right?”

“Shit. Yeah, right. Sorry.”

“You keep apologizing like you’ve done anything wrong.” He said, applying the pads onto the wound.

“Sorry.” I said. He stopped and looked at me. “Shit, sor-”

We both started laughing. He put some band-aid tape on the sides of the gauze pads, finishing the cleaning process. We headed out of the bathroom and back into the living room where we plopped down on the couch.

“I’m sorry.” I say, turning my head to face him.

“For what?” He turned to me.

“You were probably ready to enjoy the night alone and I kind of ruined it.”

“No, I actually enjoy company more than I do being alone.” He looked away from me.

He looked kind of… sad. I felt bad for him. I mean, I’ve thought about the day my dad wouldn’t come home from work. A shooting gone wrong or something. I didn’t even wanna think about it more than I had to. I was never really home alone. Sometimes my parents worked late shifts at the station and hospital, but they’ve never been too late. They went away for a couples vacation one time, but I just had Jessica over everyday.

I stood up and started looking for something to do besides sit around. We’ve already established we wouldn’t sleep much tonight, so we may as well look for something to do. Then, I spotted a piano propped up against the wall by the window. I walked over to it.

“Can you play?” I asked.

“Yeah. My mom made me take lessons when I was younger. I still played once in a while, but not that much anymore. I’m always busy with football and stupid shit my friends wanna do. But if I catch a break, I practice a bit.”

I turned back around to him. “Cool. Can you play anything I’d know?”

“Um… maybe.” He stood up and started walking over to the instrument.

He sat down on the bench in front of the piano and started playing a melody. I recognized it, but I couldn’t make out the song. Until he started singing.

_“Blue jean baby, L.A. lady, seamstress for the band. Pretty eyed, pirate smile, you'll marry a music man. Ballerina, you must have seen her dancing in the sand. And now she's in me, always with me, tiny dancer in my hand”_

Elton John. Tiny Dancer. Not what I was expecting, Zach. Not what I was expecting at all.

_“But oh how it feels so real, lying here with no one near. Only you and you can hear me. When I say softly, slowly”_

He could sing, too. And he was good. Like, shockingly good. Why didn’t he show this off anywhere?

_“Hold me closer, tiny dancer. Count the headlights on the highway. Lay me down in sheets of linen. You had a busy day today.”_

He finished the song, ending with the beginning melody. I was genuinely shocked at how good that was.

“Wow.” I said.

“Sorry, I’m a little rusty.”

What? He was amazing. “What are you talking about? That was amazing.”

“Really? I haven’t done that one in a while.”

“Yeah, really. You should show people that.”

He scoffed. “Seriously? No, this was something for me. It’s no one else’s business, I don’t even know why I’m showing you.”

“Well, you got to see me dancing. So it was only fair that you played me the song.” I reassured him.

“I guess. Well, I’m glad you liked it.” He said, standing up and walking away.

Zach took a seat back on the couch. “What to do now…”

“I don’t know.”

We sat in silence for a few minutes. It was strange. I was having a sleepover with the kid who punched me in the face. I was having a sleepover with my least favorite person ever. My worst fucking enemy. What is life anymore?

“Get up.” I said. He gave me a confused look.

“Why?”

“I’m gonna help you.”

“With what?”

“Dance. You’re terrible at ballet, your first day and you didn’t even know first position.”

He stood up with a sigh. “Okay, I guess.”

“Look,” I said. “I don’t want you in my class, and you don’t wanna be in class regardless. The faster you learn, the faster we’re out of each other’s hair.”

“Okay.” He said as he walked closer to me. “What do we start with?”

“Um… okay, I could teach you a simple combo. Do you remember fifth position?”

“There’s a fifth position?” He said. Jesus christ…

“Put your feet like mine. Straighten your back, and tuck your butt in. Oh, and take off your shoes.”

He did as told. “What next?”

“Okay, let’s do some simple tendus. You’re gonna point your foot, like mine. No - further.”

“I can’t really point it anymore.”

“Okay, um… so, put your leg out so your foot is still touching the floor but it’s stretched out.” He followed what I was doing. “Perfect. Now when you bring it back, lower your foot as you drag it back. Make it quick, but not too quick.”

“Like that?”

“Just like that. Good. Not do it on the side, back, and then side again.”

He followed the instructions perfectly. “How’s that?”

“Perfect.”

He broke out of his position with a sigh. “This is boring. I should teach you how to dance.”

I stared at him like he just told me I had an alien coming out of my head. “What?”

“Not like your dancing. Like my dancing. Party dancing. Rockin’ out sort of shit. You dig?”

“What the hell does that mean?”

“First, turn this shit off.” He said, meaning the piano music coming from my phone. “Now give me the phone.”

I didn’t trust anyone with my phone. Not even Jessica could touch my phone. But I guess if he was only using spotify, it was fine. I handed it to him. He walked over to the tv and picked up a plug that was connected to the speaker sitting under the hanging tv. He plugged my phone into the speaker and started playing some sort of heavy shit.

“What in god’s name is this?” I asked.

“ _Live Wire._ ” He said. “Mötley Crüe?”

“Don’t know them.” I said.

“How the fuck do you not know Mötley Crüe?”

“Do I look like I’d listen to this?”

“Not really, but you should.” He said, turning the music to almost the highest volume.

He started playing the air guitar to the sound of the music. “First, just bop your head. Up and down, like this.”

He was rocking his head up and forth and started to bounce all around the room. “Come on!”

I tried following him. Rocking my head up and down with the beat of the music. I’ve never done any dancing like this, only choreographed routines. But it felt kind of good. I felt the music rushing through my body and a smile growing on my face.

“There you go! Let the guitar run through your veins and the drums pound your brain!”

We kept jumping around for the whole song. By the time it ended, I wanted to keep going. All night I’ve had people telling me to ‘let loose’ and I guess I finally was. Goddamn, they were right. It felt amazing. I never wanted to stop.

But when the song finally ended, we both crashed on the couch. Another song by that band started playing, but we were too out of breath to keep going. Well, I was. Zach sat on the couch playing the air guitar again.

He then jumped up and started to sing into a non-existent microphone.

“Girls, girls, girls!” He yelled out. I started laughing. He reached out his hand for me to take. I mean, I couldn’t just leave him hanging…

“Girls, girls girls!” We shouted together.

“Dancin’ down on the sunset strip!” He continued. I couldn’t break my smile. It was gross, but I couldn’t help it.

When that song ended, we finally decided to sit down and relax. He took my phone off the speaker and gave it back to me.

“What should we do now?” I asked. I checked the clock on the wall: it was nearly two am.

“You wanna watch a movie?” He suggested. “I have netflix, hulu, amazon prime, the whole nine yards.”

“Sure.”

He picked up the remote and started clicking through netflix options. He started searching through the horror section.

“Oh, god. Please no horror, I hate scary movies.” I told him.

“Come on, they’re not that bad.”

“Seriously, anything else.”

“Ok, ok. How about a comedy special?”

“That works.”

He went to the comedy section and clicked on _Pete Davidson: Alive From New York._

I had never really been into stand-up, but I wasn’t really into many things at all. I’ve binged a few tv shows, but I was usually busy practicing for dance or going out with Jessica. Too busy to actually sit down and watch a movie or show.

What I watched was pretty funny, but eventually I started to drift off to sleep…

* * *

When I woke up, I noticed I wasn’t on the couch. And it wasn’t dark out. And, holy shit, I can’t believe I was saying this, but I wasn’t tired.

I was alone in the room, but I noticed a blanket and pillow laying on the floor next to the bed I was in. I recognized where I was - it was Zach’s room. And I was in Zach’s bed.

Jesus christ, I slept in Zach Dempsey’s bed.

I could hear something from another room. It sounded like a tv was on. Ah, right. I wasn’t alone in the Dempsey household.

I got out of the bed, noticing a few drops of dry blood on my sweatpants. I was still wearing the crop top from last night, too. Thank god I didn’t wear nice clothes, that would’ve sucked to get blood stains on.

My stomach let out a loud growl. I was hungry as fuck. I started walking out of the room when I smelled something coming from the kitchen. It smelled like heaven.

I reached the kitchen where Zach stood making pancakes. He was wearing blue and black plaid pajama pants and no shirt. Wow, I never realized how fit he really was. I mean, yeah, I guess football players had to constantly be in shape. But damn, Zach. His body looked great. I wish I looked like that.

Whenever I took my shirt off, I felt like shit. I was scrawny as hell. Being a dancer, I never did any heavy workouts. Mostly stretches and just eating healthy. I wasn’t proud of my body. Hell, I didn’t even wanna look at it. When I got dressed, I avoided the mirror at all costs. I don’t even know where the confidence for this crop top came from.

“Goodmorning.” Zach said when he noticed me. “Hope you like pancakes.”

“Pancakes?” I asked.

“If you don’t like them there’s also eggs and bacon on the table. This is my last pancake, you can sit and eat if you want, don’t wait for me or anything.”

“No, I like pancakes.” I was fucking starving. I hadn’t eaten anything since before I left to come here.

I walked over to the table where there were two plates sitting across from each other. I took a seat in front of one and started filling my plate. I dug into it so fast I could barely even absorb the taste of each food.

After a minute or two went by, Zach sat across from me and set down a plate of pancakes and a bottle of syrup. I took two pancakes and put the tiniest bit of syrup on them.

“Are they good?” He asked.

“They’re fucking stellar.” I said with a mouthful of food.

“Glad to hear it. I usually eat cereal for breakfast, but I didn’t want to disappoint my guest.”

“Well, I’m glad you did cook. You’re pretty fucking good at it.”

He laughed as he shoved a big forkful of pancake into his mouth “Thanks.”

“Hey, how did I end up in your bed anyways?”

“Oh, I carried you. You fell asleep on the couch but I figured my bed would be more comfortable.”

“Oh? You just picked me up and carried me?”

“Yeah, why? I’ve done it to Charlie like a hundred times, that kid falls asleep on every bus ride home from an away game.”

“Oh.” Is all I could make out. What the fuck? He just picked me up and carried me into his bed like I was a child? I mean, it was sweet and I appreciated it, but it was kind of weird? But at the same time, I didn’t mind.

“So,” He started as he chewed and swallowed the food in his mouth. “You got a ride home or am I taking you?”

“If you could take me home that would be great.”

“Yeah, for sure.”

* * *

When I got home, I felt weirder than I had ever felt in my entire life. The car ride was fine. Zach had played some of the music we listened to last night but we didn’t speak the entire time besides me thanking him for the ride and letting me sleep in his bed.

I opened the door and started to go up the stairs before I heard my dad yell my name from the living room. I went back down and walked into the room where he was sitting on the couch watching a recording of a game.

“Did Jessica drive you home?” He asked, popping a peanut in his mouth.

“Yeah, sorry I missed your calls, I wound up falling asleep.” I said.

“I know, I called Jessica and she told me.”

“Oh. Okay.”

“What happened to your arm?”

“I tripped when I got out of the car when we got to her house.”

“Did you clean it?”

“Yes.”

“Who’s shirt is that?”

“Um, Jessica’s. I spilled coffee on mine so she gave me this one. I know, it’s a bit small. But all her clean shirts were crop tops.”

“Oh, alrighty then.”

“Yeah…”

After the interrogation, I continued my journey up the stairs and went into my room, shutting the door behind me.

What the hell even was last night? I slept at the house of the kid I hate the most… and enjoyed it. Like, I had a really good time. I wanted to relive last night every night for the rest of my life. I had never felt so free and open in my life. Dance made me feel good and happy, but what I was doing last night? _That_ was the feeling I was looking for. Something about the energy Zach radiates, I don’t know, it was just perfect. It was everything I had ever searched for in my life. It was all I had ever wanted to achieve. That feeling of being free and open and… happy.

But I still hated him. He had no right making me feel like that, it wasn’t fair. If he even told a single person that we did what we did last night, I’d have to shoot myself or something.

Fuck Zach Dempsey. But at the same time - _Fuck,_ Zach Dempsey.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> u guys didn't think a first kiss would come that quickly, did u?
> 
> comments and kudos are always appreciated, and/or you can contact me at @unsaidfoley on twitter !!


	6. Chapter 6

It was Monday morning, two days after my little sleepover with Zach. It was all I could think about for the past few days. Teaching Zach ballet. Singing and dancing to classic rock songs with Zach. Watching a movie with Zach. Zach carrying into his own bed. Zach cooking breakfast for us in the morning. Zach giving me a ride home. It was the only thing on my mind no matter what I did.

As I drove to school this morning, I was listening to classical music, going through ballet combos in my head. But something came over me at the stop sign at the corner of my block. I picked up my phone and unlocked it, clicking on the spotify app. I looked up a song and hit play.

I started bopping my head like we did that night. “Girls, girls, girls.” I whisper-sang to myself. I turned the volume up louder so I could hear it over the pouring rain.

As I pulled into school, I lowered the volume as I shifted the gear into park. I stepped out of the car and grabbed my bags, quickly making my way into the building through the back door so I didn’t get soaked in the rain. I entered the dance room, changing into my dance clothes in the locker room before plugging my airpods into my ears. I started playing my music to start practicing, but it was like I had forgotten any moves I had ever learned. I was tripping over myself and forgetting simple combos. It was the most frustrating thing in the world.

By the time I remembered a single combo, the bell rang. Jesus, how long have I been sitting here? An hour, apparently. I quickly changed in the locker room before noticing my head was pounding. I left the studio and saw Jessica and Justin waiting for me, as usual.

“Do either of you have any pain killers?” I asked.

“I don’t carry shit with me.” Justin said.

“I ran out last week, I have to get a new bottle. Just go to the nurse and get some from her.” Jessica suggested.

“She doesn’t give out pain meds until second period.” I said, rubbing my temples.

“Oh shit, yeah. What’s wrong anyways?” Jess asked.

“My head is fucking pounding. I don’t even know why.”

“Maybe it’s the rain. It’s fucking pouring today.” Jessica said as we started walking.

“Yeah, maybe.” I said.

By third period, my head felt like it was going to explode. I asked the teacher if I could go to the nurse to which she replied yes and gave me a pass.

The nurse gave me two tylenols and sent me on my way. Within a half hour, the pounding started to fade away. Thank god, I can’t skip dance tonight. As much as I wish I could so I didn’t have to see Zach, I hated skipping a rehearsal no matter how sick I was.

In fourth period, I went to the bathroom. When I was walking there, I saw him. Of course I did, god forbid I could have one normal day. First I can’t dance, then my head is pounding, and now I have to interact with fucking Zach.

“Hey.” He said with a small smile.

“Hey.” I said with a straight face. I locked myself in a stall to avoid him, but just knowing he was right outside of it, in the same room as me, made me wanna scream.

“I had fun that night.” He said when I came out of the stall.

“Let’s not talk about it. Don’t even tell anyone it happened, okay?”

He paused with a sad expression on his face. “Got it.”

He finished washing his hands and left in a bit of a hurry. I felt sort of bad, but I just tried to think about him giving me a black eye and the feeling went away, anger filling me up again. Thank god. I went back to class and sat back in my seat, continuing to take notes.

While I walked to lunch fifth period, I saw him in the hall. He was with his football buddies, laughing and pushing each other around. I caught his eye and his smile started to fade until one of his friends shoved him and he let out a scoff sort of laugh, looking back at his friends as he kept walking.

I sat down at the table at lunch, crossing my arms on the table and putting my head on top. I just wanted to sleep. I’ve barely slept in days, I’ve had that stupid night on my mind all the time it was driving me crazy and depriving me of sleep.

“You okay?” Jessica said, sitting down at the table.

“Yeah, yeah. I’m fine.”

“You don’t look fine, dude.” Justin added.

“Well, that sounds like a me problem so just please leave me alone.” I said, putting my head back down.

“Alex, you seriously look like shit.” Jess said, sounding really concerned. “Have you been sleeping?”

I forgot. Jessica knows about my little sleeping problem. “Not really!” I said with a sarcastic smile.

“You look like you’ve barely slept in days.”

“Well that’s because I haven’t.”

“How many hours _have_ you gotten?” She asked.

“Like, seven, maybe.”

“That’s not bad.” Justin said, trying to make me feel better.

“In the last three days.”

I heard a collective sigh come from the couple. “Why haven’t you seen a doctor or someone about this?”

“Because it’s not that bad.”

“Seven hours? In three days? That sounds pretty bad.” Jessica said, touching my arm.

I stood up, ripping my arm from her touch. “Well, it’s not your fucking problem, is it? Let me deal with my own shit.” I said angrily. I grabbed my full lunch trach and threw it in the trash, storming out of the cafeteria.

I ran into the nearest bathroom. When I opened the door, there was a group of boys passing around a juul. I rolled my eyes and locked myself in a stall.

“Yo, dancer kid.” One of them said.

“It’s Alex, and what?” I said in annoyance.

“Okay, Alex. You a rat?” He asked.

“No, I’m not a fucking rat.” I said as I opened the stall and looked at the three boys. Scott Reed, Luke Holliday, and Diego Torres. Damn, I figured Luke and Diego were into that shit, but Scott? I never thought he was the type. “I don’t give a shit what you do, if I’m being honest.”

“So you’re not gonna tell?” Diego asked.

“What part of _not a rat_ didn’t you understand.” I answered.

“Good, cause you don’t wanna know what happens to rats.” Luke said.

“You’re right. Don’t wanna know, don’t really give a shit.” I said before turning around and leaving the bathroom.

All I wanted to do was walk out of the school and drive away some place real far. I hated it here, this whole fucking school was filled with morons. Especially the football players, and _especially_ Zach Dempsey. They ruined everyone’s lives here.

Walking around the halls I ran into Cyrus, one of the punk kids.

“Sup, Alex.” He says, walking slowly to greet me.

“Glad to know someone knows my name in this shithole. What’s up, Cyrus?”

“Not much. And I totally agree, this place is a shithole.”

“Up to anything productive?” I asked.

“You have no idea.” He said as he passed me.

* * *

By the time the school day ended, I wished for death. I didn’t want to go to dance for the first time in my life. It was still pouring out and my headache was starting to creep back through my skull. I felt like absolute garbage.

That, and I had to see Zach again tonight. It was only the second practice with him, but avoiding him was going to be very difficult if he was sitting next to me doing ballet combinations.

Dance didn’t start for another two hours though, it was a five to seven class. I usually got home from school around two-thirty, so I had a little bit of time to relax. I don’t think I’ve ever been so tired in my entire life. But here I was, lying in bed, eyes closed, yet wide awake.

I opened my phone and clicked on twitter. I laughed at a few tweets, liked a few more, but wound up getting bored after a half hour. I still had an hour before dance started, so I decided to go for a drive. I picked up my dance bag, figured I’d just drive around until then. I grabbed a hoodie to protect myself from the rain and left the house.

When I got in the car, I still had that stupid Mötley Crüe song stuck in my head. I refused to play it, however. If I was getting him off my mind, it meant no music he showed me that night. I put on my lyrical playlist.

I didn’t really know where I was going, I was just driving around without a care in the world. I passed a McDonalds, and decided to get myself a drink. I passed Monet’s earlier, but I wasn’t really one for a random coffee. But a diet coke… I could never turn that down. I entered the drive through, ordered my drink, paid for it at the first window, picked it up at the last window, and drove away.

I remembered that thought I had earlier - the one about driving somewhere far and never looking back. I thought about doing it now. Just taking whatever money I had lying around my car and driving somewhere no one would find me. Maybe New York. Even if someone suspected I was there, it was such a busy place that no one could find me without an actual address. Of course, it was probably expensive as hell to live there, but it didn’t matter to me. If it was away from here, I’d figure it out.

I shook my head to forget that thought. I couldn’t just pick up and leave. I have a family, my parents and brother. I had friends, Jessica and Justin. I had dance.

Oh shit - dance. I forgot about it. I had been driving aimlessly for so long, I lost track of time, now with fifteen minutes before practice started. I didn’t even know where I was. I had driven to some random neighborhood that I didn’t recognize. Somewhere out of town. I made a fast U turn and sped out of there.

When I got back to the main road, it wasn’t until I heard sirens that I realized how fast I had really been driving. Sixty miles an hour, in the middle of some random town. I pulled over and let out a huge sigh. _Shit._

There was a tap on my window. I rolled it down. Jesus must’ve been finally looking out for me, because when I rolled down the window, the cop recognized me.

“You’re Sheriff Standall’s kid, right?”

“Yeah. Alex.” I said to the officer.

“He’s a good friend of mine. What are you doing so far out of town?”

“Just going for a drive.”

“And what were you doing going sixty in a thirty-five zone?”

“I didn’t realize how long I had been driving around. I have dance class in a few minutes and I’m already going to be late.”

“Alright, well, usually I’d give you a ticket, but since I know your father real well, I’ll give you a warning.”

“Thank you, sir.”

“But if I catch you pulling a stunt like that again, I won’t hesitate to give you a ticket for speeding.”

“Of course.”

“Alrighty then, get to your class.” The officer said as he walked away from the car.

I let out a deep breath I didn’t know I was holding in. I stepped on the gas, making sure I was at the speed limit. The entire car ride to the studio, I sat in the driver’s seat shaking like a leaf. When I had finally gotten there, I quickly changed in the car and ran inside quickly to stay as dry as possible. By the time I was ready to go in 

I walked inside the building, making sure to be quiet and respectful. I approached studio B where my class usually was, still shaking from anxiety. I knocked on the door softly before hearing a loud “Come in.” I opened the door slowly.

“Alex, so nice of you to join us.”

“Sorry, I-I was-” I didn’t even have an excuse.

“It’s fine. Front row, you know the drill.” Amy said. I slowly exhaled, my anxiety levels decreasing by the minute. I stood next to Zach, who once again was sitting in basketball shorts.

Zach leaned in towards me. “Where were you?”

I kept my face straight, leaning slightly into him. “None of your business.”

“Just tell me.” He whispered.

“No.” I whispered back.

“Standall-”

“JUST SHUT UP ALREADY!” I yelled. The music paused and all eyes were focused on me. I started to shake again.

“Alex, are you alright?” Amy asked me. I stayed silent. I had never acted like such an idiot in my life. “I think you should take a break. I’ll see you tomorrow, Alex.”

I felt like I was gonna be sick or faint or something. It felt like my whole world was crashing down. I had never been excused from a class. I had never done anything stupid enough to get excused from class before.

I slowly exited the room, trying to breathe normally. When the door shut behind me, I ran out of the building as fast as I could. I couldn’t breathe. I felt like I was about to die. Is this what a panic attack feels like? It feels awful. It was still pouring out, and I could feel the rain starting to seep through my clothes. All of the sudden, the door to the studio opened.

Of course.

“What was that about?” He asked. He sounded angry, but concerned. But it was him that I was out here panting in the first place.

“You! It was fucking about you!” I started screaming as I turned to walk to my car. I felt his hand grab my shoulder. I ripped my shoulder out of his grip, turning around as anger started to rise in me quickly. “Don’t fucking touch me.”

He put his hands up in defense. “I don’t know what I did but-”

“It’s everything you do! It’s every-fucking-thing you do! You have been in my head the entire weekend, ever since I left your house you have been the _only_ thing on my fucking mind. I can’t take it anymore! I can’t keep letting you ruin my life like this. I need you to just leave me alone, don’t even make eye contact with me anymore, because if you do, I’ll have to shoot myself or something just to get the memory of your existance out of my fucking brain. All day, every time I’ve walked into a room, I prayed to god you weren’t in there. But at the same time, I was wishing you _were_ there, waiting for me. Every person I spoke to today, I wished was you. I can’t take it anymore!”

“Are you done?” He said.

“For now, I guess.” I said, panting from the yelling.

“Good.” He said.

And right as I thought it was over, right as I turned to walk around, I felt that grip again on my shoulder. I turned around quickly, ready to keep yelling, until something happened. Something I wasn’t expecting from douchebag, chick-magnet, idiotic football player.

In the middle of the parking lot, in the pouring rain, his lips crashed into mine. And the worst part was, I didn’t mind it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> did you expect that?
> 
> comments and kudos are appreciated, and/or you can contact me at @unsaidfoley on twitter ;)


	7. Chapter 7

What happened that night was nothing I expected. The rain was coming down harder and harder by the second. We were drenched. But in that moment, that time-freezing moment, I felt like the sun had never been brighter…

* * *

Zach stepped away, taking his lips off mine.

“Oh god - I-I’m so sorry, I don’t know what came over me-” He started, freaking out more and more by the second.

“Shut up.” I said.

I walked back closer to him and kissed him again. His lips were soft and smooth, and his breath tasted like mint. His skin was smooth, I noticed that when I put my hands on the sides of his face as we kissed. We started to walk as we kissed, making it all the way to my car.

I stopped. “How are we doing this?”

“Get in the back.” He said sternly, but with a grin.

I quickly unlocked the car and jumped into the backseat, throwing my now soaked dance bag forward into the passenger’s seat. I layed down there. Zach climbed in, on top of me. He wasn’t crushing me, though. He kept his torso above me, starting to kiss my jawline, which turned into my neck. Soon enough, he started to pull my shirt off.

“Stop, stop.” I said, a bit out of breath.

“What’s wrong?” He asked, picking himself up and now stradling my lower half.

“I, um… I’ve never, like… taken my shirt off for anyone before.”

“Just imagine I’m Jessica or something.”

“Not even her.” I said, crossing my arms awkwardly over my chest.

“Alex, I promise there’s nothing to worry about. I saw you in that crop top, you’re adorable no matter what you’re wearing. Or, not wearing.” He said, finishing with a smirk.

I let out a scoff-laugh.

“How about this-” He said. He took his shirt off swiftly, making my insecurities hit even worse.

I traced my hand over his abs, my finger circling every muscle that stood out, all the way up until I reached his neck and pulled him back down to kiss me. And he did… kiss me.

He pulled himself back up. “Would it make you feel better if we went back to someone’s house?”

I sat for a second to think about it. Nobody was home for me. My mom was working a late shift at the hospital, and my dad was too at the station. They wouldn’t be home until at least eleven pm. “My house is empty for another few hours. We could go there?”

“Perfect.”

* * *

When we arrived at my house, we immediately ran upstairs into my room.

“Your room is cute.” Zach said as he looked around.

“Cute?”

“It’s nice.”

“You know what’s nicer?”

“What?”

“My bed.”

He laughed as I grabbed his hand and pulled him down. He stood on his knees at the edge of the bed while I layed down, my head resting on my pillow. He took his shirt off once again. I took a deep breath, and took off mine.

“What the hell?” He said.

I felt anxiety rise in me. I’m ugly, and now he knows it. “W-What?”

“You’re gorgeous, Standall.”

I wanted to cry. I’ve never hated, yet been so attracted to someone in my entire life.

“Shut up.” I said, grabbing his arm and pulling him down on me.

The kissing became a furious make out. He started to kiss my jawline again, which turned into my neck, and slowly travelled down my torso. Then, I felt the button of my jeans pop open, and the zipper unzip.

“No.” I said. “I’ve never even gone this far, I don’t think I’m ready to go farther.”

He looked up from his position. “Okay, whatever you’re comfortable with.”

I smiled. I’ve never seen him so… good. Caring for me with such respect. He reached back up and we started making out again.

“Wait, wait.” I said. He rolled his eyes with a smile. I wasn’t smiling back. “You know you can’t tell anyone about this. I’m not even sure about my sexuality yet so if anyone found out-”

“It’s okay.” He said. “I’m not really sure how my annoying, jackass, jock friends would react if they knew I was doing this right now.”

“Oh.” I said.

“No! No, it’s not because it’s you. You’re great, Alex. It’s just that… like you said, I’m not even sure what I am in terms of, you know. So I agree, nobody knows about this.”

“Great. Now that that’s settled…” I started to smile. I grabbed his neck and slowly brought his face back to mine.

I don’t think I’ve felt so strongly about someone in my life. Yeah, Jessica was my best friend, but I’ve never felt as happy with her as I do with Zach in this moment. The rain continued to pour down as the sky got darker and darker. The light in my room wasn’t the brightest, but I didn’t mind. The soft kisses I was receiving was the only thing that mattered.

* * *

An hour later, we had finally finished whatever it was that we were doing. I was snuggled under his left arm in a comfortable position, feeling more relaxed than I ever had in my life. I was staring into my closet while his head rested upwards, his eyes staring at the ceiling. His right arm rested on his torso, his left arm around me. His hand was twirling my hair which started making me sleepy.

“I wish we should stay like this forever.” I complained.

“Me too.” Zach said, continuing to play with my hair.

“Would you mind?” I looked up at him. His head tilted down to look me in the eyes.

“Not at all.”

He continued to play with my hair. I didn’t even have to ask him too, it was as if he knew it was the only thing comforting me right now. As I layed, I thought about where I was - I was laying in bed, shirtless, cuddled up against a boy I once despised, but was now starting to like. I didn’t know what to make of this situation.

“Shit.” He said with a sigh, leaning upright with his elbows supporting him.

“What?” I asked, sitting up too.

“My car, it’s still at the studio.”

“I can give you a ride to get it, if you want?”

“No, that won’t work. If someone sees us they’ll wonder why we’re in your car together.”

“Oh shit, yeah.”

“Plus, it’s only around the corner.” Zach stood up, grabbing his shirt and throwing it over his head. He let out a sad sigh. “Do you have a hoodie or umbrella or something?”

“Yeah, hoodies are in that middle drawer.” I pointed to the dresser.

“Sweet.” He said, taking out a plain army green one. It was huge on me, but seemed to fit him perfectly.

“Do you think…” I paused. “Do you think we’ll do this again?” I asked him.

He let out another sigh. “I don’t know. I hope so, but who knows what’ll happen between us now. I mean, in school and at dance, are we supposed to pretend nothing happened?”

“Yeah. I’ll still be a dick, you’ll still tease me, but deep down we’ll both remember tonight.” I said, giving him a sad look.

“I don’t think I could forget this night if I tried.”

Zach grabbed his bag and started to walk out of the room. Before he shut the door all the way, he looked back at me. He swiftly came back into the room, grabbing my face and giving me one last kiss. Then, he adjusted his bag to hang back over his shoulder, and left the room. As I heard his footsteps get quieter, a song started playing in my head.

_If tomorrow you won’t be mine, won’t you give it to me one last time. Oh, baby let me love you goodbye._

I wanted him to be mine tomorrow, but I knew better. Tomorrow had to be normal. I would give him a dirty look in the halls, he’d say something stupid if we ran into each other in the bathroom or something, and we’d pretend this night never happened. But the truth was, I didn’t want it to not-happen. In fact, I wished it didn’t have to end.

* * *

The next morning, I woke up at around three in the morning. Typical. I hadn’t gone to bed until one, so two hours was probably the most I’d be getting. I couldn’t stop thinking about it. All of it. The rain, the kissing, the hair twirling, his body on mine, him being on my bed with me. I hated him. I hated him, but I wanted him. I sat staring at the ceiling thinking about it until my alarm went off and snapped me out of my trance.

I got up, rubbing my eyes and wishing I was asleep. I had never had such trouble falling asleep than I did last night. I walked into the bathroom and turned on the shower before stripping and getting inside.

As the warm water soaked my hair, all I could think about was the rain last night. That cold, harsh, beautiful rain. That kiss. His lips. His skin. His body. It all came back to me in one painful memory as I remembered there was no chance things would be the same. I just wasn’t sure if I wanted them to be.

When I arrived at school that morning, the sun hadn’t even begun to rise. I grabbed my bags and dragged myself into the building. I stepped in the dance room and turned on the lights. I quickly changed in the locker room, and headed back into the room. I plugged my airpods into my ears, and started my combos.

* * *

The school day went by faster than ever. I didn’t see him once, and I was okay with it. Last night, I would’ve begged god to let me see him once, just a quick glance in the hallway and I’d be satisfied. But now, I never wanted to see him less. Because if I did see him, all I would _really_ see was what I saw last night.

I just had to remind myself of all those years of hatred. The punch in the face, the teasing, the sarcasm. I couldn’t like him, not even as a friend. It was impossible. I just don’t know if I could look him in the eyes anymore and say that again.

I also made it my mission to avoid Jessica. I had screamed at her yesterday at lunch, just being so angry out of exhaustion. She also saw my little freak out in the studio with Zach, making the avoiding situation even more necessary. When I practiced early in the morning, I made sure to leave ten minutes early before she could get there to wait for me. Unless she was mad at me for getting mad at her, in which case I’’m not sure leaving early would’ve been necessary. I didn’t have the guts to see her face.

When I pulled up to the studio, it occurred to me that I didn’t have to see him again until next week. I could avoid him in school and not have to worry about seeing him in dance for another six days. It was almost perfect. A perfect plan to avoid him. Because avoiding him is what I needed right now. I couldn’t see him.

I entered the studio, taking off my shoes and socks, and heading to the center of the room. I was also relieved I didn’t have a class with Amy today. I don’t think I could look _her_ in the eyes either. It would be too embarrassing.

It hurt me that today’s class would be with Jess. I can’t avoid someone when we’re the main two people dancing together in a routine. It’s fine, I’ll just stay quiet the whole time. If Kim, my lyrical teacher, asked me a question I would simply nod or shake my head. I could go mute for one class, it could work. It might embarrass me a little, because people might question why I wasn’t speaking, but I could deal with that.

That plan, however, seemed to backfire the second she stepped into the room.

Jessica walked right over to me. “Are you okay?”

I was taken back. Why is she asking me that? I could barely move. “Why do you ask?”

“Because you freaked out on me yesterday and haven’t said a word to me since. I don’t care that you yelled at me, I just wanna know you’re okay.”

“I’m fine, don’t worry.”

“Seriously, Alex. You need sleeping pills or a therapist or something because this exhaustion is starting to make you an ass.”

“I’m sorry. I can’t see anyone, my parents would get too worried over nothing.”

“But it’s not nothing. The circles under your eyes are so dark, you look like you got punched on both sides of your face. It’s not a good look on you.”

“Well I can’t exactly go get some makeup to just cover it up.”

“No, well - the bags look bad, but that’s not what I was talking about.”

“What do you mean?”

“The exhaustion, the crankiness, both freak outs yesterday. It’s not a good look on you. I can’t just let you sit here and slowly fall apart over something as little as not sleeping.”

“I don’t know what to do. I can’t see anyone because I don’t wanna worry my parents, it’s not like I can pop nyquil every night because that might kill me one day. I’m not seeing another option.”

“Your parents are gonna worry about you more if you don’t say anything.”

And with that, the class started. We got into position, and the music started playing. It’s fine, everything was fine. At least for now I could tune out my problems and focus on something that actually mattered to me. Something that actually mattered to me.

Because for the next hour, it was all I would allow myself to care about.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wanna make it known that anything further than making out won't be detailed in this story, this isn't a smut fic. comment and kudos are appreciated and/or contact me on twitter @unsaidfoley for anything!


	8. Chapter 8

I watched him as he walked through the halls, holding someone’s hand. Someone, not me. Chloe, is her name. Chloe Rice. She was pretty. Blonde hair, blue eyes, nice body. She was perfect. She was the ‘it’ girl at school. Everyone wanted her. But of course, he got her.

A few weeks had gone by since that night. I thought I was trying to avoid him, turns out _he_ was the one avoiding _me_. There was one single interaction before I saw that sight in the hallway…

* * *

Friday, two-thirty pm. The school day had just ended, and I was walking to my car in the junior parking lot. I felt a nudge on my shoulder. I already knew who it was.

“Hey.” He said to me. “You coming to the game tonight?”

I froze. I felt my throat start to tighten like he was an allergy of mine. “Is that smart?”

“Why wouldn’t it be?”

“I mean, people might wonder why I’m there…”

“Yeah, but you can just say you’re there with Jessica. She is dating one of the players, remember?”

“Yeah, yeah. I just… I’m busy.” I unlocked my car and opened the door to the driver’s seat. Before I could even attempt at getting in, he slammed it shut.

“What the fuck, Alex?”

“What? What do you want from me?”

“I just… I want… I don’t know what I want. What do you want?”

“I wanna be alone. I can’t handle some secret affair, I have shit to do.”

“Shit like what? Dance? If you forgot, dance was the reason that night even happened.”

I started getting heated. “No, you were the reason it happened. You made me fucking embarrass myself in front of the whole class and got me kicked out. It wasn’t good.”

“So you regret it?” He said with sad eyes. I could barely get my next words out. But when I did, as soon as I did, I knew they were the wrong ones.

“Yes, I do.” I said. We stayed silent for a few seconds, staring into each other’s eyes.

I shouldn’t have said that. It was a lie, a complete lie. But it was too late.

“Okay, then. You seemed to enjoy whatever it was that happened that night. I guess I read you wrong.” He started to walk away, silently angry.

“Zach-”

He turned around quickly. Walking backwards, he said, “No, I get it. You can’t. You’re busy, right?”

I watched him walk away with my mouth open. It was like, I wanted to say something. I wanted to stop him. Even with all the avoiding I was attempting to do, the glances in the hallway, walking in the opposite direction if I saw him coming my way, ignoring his calls to me… I still wished he could pick up my signal. I just couldn’t say it. My throat shut, I couldn’t even attempt at talking without choking. Something was holding me back, it was like something was telling me it was wrong to want him. But even if I pushed that voice away, it was too late.

I messed it up. I messed it all up.

* * *

It was now tuesday morning. Last night at dance, he didn’t show. I wished he did. Maybe I could’ve gotten those words out, the words I had been trying to put together the past three days. The words I stayed up every night thinking about.

Seeing him yesterday with her pained me. I wanted to be that girl, that person, holding his hand in the hallways. I wanted to be the one his friends made jokes about. Not the making fun of kind, but the playful teasing type. The jealous type. But he looked happy with her. They both had smiles on their faces. He was smiling like we hadn’t been holding each other’s hands just a week before.

I knew what song I wanted to finish with today. I scrolled down on my playlist that was titled _the great depression_ until I found it.

_I still remember the third of december, me in your sweater, you said it looked better on me than it did you…_

I felt my body start to move in ways I hadn’t moved it in before. Not in such ways of flexibility, but in ways of gracefulness. Elegance ran through my body with every word, every chord of the song.

_But I watch your eyes as she walks by, what a sight for sore eyes, brighter than a blue sky. She’s got you mesmerized, while I die…_

I feel my arms moving across my body. My legs moving across the floor, every step felt like I was floating.

_Why would you ever kiss me? I’m not even half as pretty. You gave her your sweater, it’s just polyester, but you like her better…_

My hands started to shake. It felt like I was freezing, but I didn’t feel a single breeze of any air conditioner hit my skin. I felt my legs start to crumble, and my eyes fill up with tears. I kept moving around.

“I wish I were Heather…” I said with the song. I felt a tear drip down my face. Why am I crying? It was my fault that he was gone. I _had_ to go back to hating him. Maybe it was for all the wrong reasons, but I needed to break out of his spell.

I entered a final pose as the song finished. Why am I so upset right now? I didn’t even like him. It was a one-time affair, nothing more, nothing less. Not a single thing less. I wiped my face and caught my breath as I looked at the clock. Five minutes until the bell rang. I picked myself up and walked into the locker room, changing out of my clothes.

There was still that voice in my head, though. It was saying, _don’t be upset, Alex, he was never yours in the first place._ The voice was right. He was never mine. I wanted him to be, I knew I did. But there was still that voice telling me it was wrong. Telling me _no, you can’t like him._

The bell rang as I grabbed my bags as I made my way out of the room. Unfortunately, Jessica and Justin were waiting outside. I mean, I figured they would be. They always were, it was our routine. But something inside of me was hoping today would be different.

But of course, it wasn’t.

“You good?” Justin asks when I walk out of the room. I try to immediately walk past the couple to avoid them seeing my post-cry face.

“Yeah, yeah. I’m fine.” I say, sniffling. Shit, the sniffling definitely gave it away.

“Did something happen?” Jessica said, catching up to me.

“No, no. Seriously, I’m fine.”

“Alex-”

“Jessica.” I say with a sigh, turning around. “I don’t wanna talk about it.”

She gave me a knowing look. “Okay. But when you’re ready to talk about it, you know we got you, right?”

“Yeah, man. Whatever you need.” Justin added.

“Thanks, really.” I say to them, sniffling a little more. “I’ll tell you eventually. I just can’t right now.”

“That’s fine!” Jessica said. She took my hand. “No pressure.” She said with a smile.

“Okay, let’s just get to class now.” I say.

I knew if I had kept talking, I would’ve teared up again. That’s just what happens to me, once I start I can’t stop unless I’m quiet and in control. I could already hear my voice cracking the whole time I spoke to the two of them, I didn’t need to make it worse.

I wanted to tell her, I really did. I just couldn’t. For my sake and his. Fuck, I was thinking about him again. I felt like a victim after a car crash - replaying the events that took place over and over again while it drives me crazy.

The rain pouring down, his soft lips crashing into mine, his body without his shirt on, the softness of his skin, the way his slim, dark eyes glistened in the moonlight, the way his hands felt on my body, his fingers entangled in my hair, and the final glance before he walked out forever. I remember what he was wearing perfectly - a plain white t-shirt, blue basketball shorts, his hair was slicked back like it always is. And my sweatshirt. My hoodie. He never gave it back. A part of me wanted to ask for it back, but another part of me wanted him to keep it forever. Something to remember me by if that was the end of our time together. It seemed like that would be the end.

I passed him in the halls again today. He was holding her hand again, but today was different. He barely glanced at me. It looked like he knew I was coming, and purposely ignored my glances towards him. Until he gave me one quick look, so fast I would’ve missed it if I wasn’t so determined to make eye contact with him.

As soon as my eyes met his, he pulled Chloe in closer and gave her a kiss on her forehead. I felt like I was gonna be sick, maybe pass out or something. I couldn’t take it anymore. It hurt so bad.

I think I’m falling for him.

Wait, no. That’s impossible. I tried thinking about seventh grade. The fight. I wanted to stop it, stop him from hurting the other guy too bad. I stepped right in between, right in front of him, but I was too late. He had already started swinging and punched me right in the face. The whole hallway collectively said a loud _“Ooooh”_ while I stumbled away. Zach immediately came to my aid, but I just shoved him away. I felt so embarrassed for even attempting to stop the fight. Even more embarrassed that I just got decked while the half the school was watching and recording. Ever since then, I made it my mission to hate him for eternity. But things were different now. I was starting to feel just as intense feelings for him, except they were different this time.

The lyrics played in my head. _Heather_ by Conan Gray.

_Watch as she stands with her holding your hand, put your arm around her shoulder, now I'm getting colder…_

I adjusted my head so it was facing forward. I shook my head, trying to erase that picture from my memory. Him holding her hand. Why was I thinking about him? He means nothing to me. It was one time. One single fucking night that just so happened to be a night of first times. First kiss, first time not wearing a shirt in front of someone, first make out. It was a night of firsts.

Maybe that was why I was so hung up on him. It was my first time doing anything with anyone. I was a bit ashamed that not only was it a boy who took my first kiss, but of all boys it had to be Zach Dempsey. Not that I have anything against boys kissing boys, it was just… it wasn’t me. No, it really wasn’t. I was just tired enough to roll with it. Yeah, that’s it.

I was acting foolish. I had more important things to worry about, like the way I could barely remember math and I had a calculus test in ten minutes. Oh shit, I need to get to class. I knew I had to, but something inside of me said to follow Zach’s path. But a louder voice reminded me that it wasn’t my place. He was happy. He was happy without me.

It’s fine. Like I said, he’s not mine. He never was and never would be. It didn’t matter, anyways. It doesn’t fucking matter.

“Alex!” Jessica yelled.

“What?” I snapped out of my trance.

“The bell’s about to ring. Don’t you have a calc test to get to?”

I looked at the clock. Shit, she was right. I had one minute to rush to class. I turned around and started to run down the hall. I tripped over myself, falling to the ground face-first. I heard footsteps turn and rush towards me.

“Oh my god, are you okay?”

Of course. I knew that stupid fucking voice. The voice I was jealous of. I looked up and saw the face of the person I currently hated the most.

Chloe Rice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> guys im sorry for the slow updates, im trying to keep posting once a day but im leaving town for two weeks in two days so if the updates dont come as soon please dont get mad. comments and kudos are appreciated, and/or contact me @unsaidfoley on twitter.


	9. Chapter 9

“Yeah, yeah. I’m fine.” I say, pushing my body up to stand again.

“You’re bleeding.” Chloe said. I could taste it already. My teeth must’ve knocked into my lip because blood seemed to be gushing out of it.

“It’s fine.”

“We should go to the nurse.”

“No,” I said, hastily grabbing my backpack. “I should go to the nurse, not you.”

“But-”

“Damn, Chloe! Don’t you have better things to do? Do you even know my name?”

“Yeah, Alex. And helping people is the best thing to do in my opinion.”

Jesus fucking christ, how can I even hate her? She’s an angel. But that wouldn’t stop me. 

“I can get to the nurse myself.” I started walking past her.

“Okay, well… feel better!” She yelled after me.

Holy shit. She was perfect. She was gorgeous, she was sweet. Oh, and she’s a cheerleader, to add onto things that make her better than me. Cheer wasn’t better than dance in my opinion, but the school disagreed. As much as we had a dance studio in the building, they didn’t care much for the arts here. It was all about sports. Since dance isn’t considered a sport, it didn’t matter in the eyes of these faceless students and faculty.

I went to the nurse. Because the cut was inside my mouth, there wasn’t much she could do for me. She made me rinse my mouth out and sent me on my way. I wish I told her I was dizzy or something, she probably would’ve let me lay in one of the beds for a period. But I couldn’t do it now, it was too late. The nurse had already given me a pass to get back to class. I was so tired I could barely walk.

But when I saw him coming my way, I felt more awake than ever.

“Hey.” I said as he approached me. But his eyes were focused next to me. It was obvious he was trying to ignore me. He sped up as he walked right by me. “Zach!”

But he continued to ignore me. How mad was he? Or was he just ashamed of me? I let out a sigh and continued my way to calculus.

* * *

“I definitely failed the calc test.” Jessica said as she sat down at the lunch table.

“Me too.” I said, leaning my head against my hand.

The difference between us was that she was thinking about failing her test, and I was thinking about Zach. Why was I thinking about Zach? I hated him so much a few weeks ago, but now that he hated me… it was all I could think about. And the worst part was that I didn’t know how to fix it.

Justin sat down next to Jessica a minute later, looking pissed off.

“What’s wrong?” Jess asked.

“I definitely failed the calc test.” He replied.

“Same.” Me and Jess said at the same time.

“No, you two say that every time and always pass. I say it and I get a forty-five.”

We laughed. It was fine, I’m fine. I’m just a dumb teenager getting ahead of myself and clinging onto one happy memory. I just needed to let go.

But I couldn’t.

* * *

Later that night, after dance, I heard my text-tone go off on my phone. I reached into my pocket and pulled it out. It was a random number. I opened the message.

 _Unknown Number:_ Come over.

 _Me:_ who is this??

 _Unknown Number:_ Who do you think?

 _Me:_ i don’t know

But I did know. I knew exactly who it was, I just refused to say the name.

 _Unknown number:_ Nobody’s gonna be home for a few hours.

 _Me:_ u have a girlfriend.

 _Unknown Number:_ I don’t care.

I jumped out of bed and got in my car, speeding as fast as I could to his house. When I pulled up, I noticed there was only one car in his driveway. I knew it was him. Who else would it be? I rang the doorbell. He opened the door, looking around to see if anyways was looking, then pulled me inside quickly.

“I thought you were mad at me.” I said.

“I am.” Zach said, walking to his room. When we both got in, he shut the door and pulled me close to him.

“How did you even get my number.” I asked him.

“I stole Foley’s phone.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.” He said before giving me a long, sweet kiss.

“Zach…” I said, pulling away. “You have a girlfriend.”

“And yet you still showed up.”

He was right. I don’t even know why I showed up, if I’m being honest. Well, okay - I knew why I showed up. I may not fully understand why, but I knew it was what I wanted - no, what I needed.

Zach pushed me against the door, my head lightly hitting it. He kissed me intensely. He was still angry, he was just channeling that anger into passion instead of hatred. He started kissing down my jawline, then further along my neck.

“Zach,” I said with a deep breath. “What are you gonna tell Chloe?”

“Nothing.” He said in between kisses.

I could feel his bulge on mine. We were both turned on. I wanted more than just kissing. Was I ready? Who knows. But was I desperate enough for his touch? Absolutely.

“Let’s do it.” I said. Zach stopped and looked up at me. “I know you want to.”

“Yeah, but do you want to?” He asked, panting.

“More than anything.”

He lifted my shirt over my head. I jumped up, and he caught me. I wrapped my legs around his torso, his hands holding me up - one on my back, and one on my ass. The kissing was getting more and more intense. He twirled around, his legs hitting the edge of the bed, before dropping me down on the soft mattress. I leaned on my elbows, breathing heavily. He stood at the edge of the bed, whipping his shirt off his body and throwing it on the floor. He climbed on the bed, slowly reaching down to kiss me again. He kissed down my chest, then my stomach, all the way to the edge of my jeans. He unbuttoned them, then pulled the zipper down with his teeth.

Is this what it felt like? I’ve never felt like this before. I don’t know if it was because it’s my first time doing anything with someone, or my first time doing anything at all. I never got turned on or did anything alone, so going all in my first time was kind of scary. Not the sick kind of scary, the good kind. The hot kind.

The rest of it was pure bliss. I can’t explain what happened, but all I can say is it was the most amazing thing I had ever felt. He knew exactly what to do, which was weird. For someone who’s only done things with girls, he sure knew what he was doing.

And, boy, what he was doing…

* * *

“Can we do this every day?” I said as we laid next to each other, heavily breathing.

“Maybe.” Zach said. I pulled the covers closer over me. “I mean, that was…”

“Amazing.” I said. “I mean, I don’t have anything to compare it to, but still.”

“Oh, shit. I forgot.” He said, turning his head to look at me. “Are you okay?”

“Am I okay?” I said, turning mine to look him in the eyes. “I’ve never been better.”

“God, those ballet classes are paying off. I’ve never felt so loose in my life.”

He realized what he said and froze. I started laughing so hard it was more of a cackle.

“You’re laugh.” He said. I stopped. “I love it.”

I leaned my head in and kissed him. “Shut up.” I told him. He smiled.

“What’s that taste?” He asked. I put my hand on my lip. Shit, the cut must’ve opened back up.

“I tripped in the hall this morning and cut the inside of my lip. I think it opened back up.”

“Oh okay… Is our agreement still a thing?” He asked me.

“What agreement?”

“Not to tell anyone. I mean, I have a girlfriend. If she found out-”

“She won’t. Nobody has to know. It’s between us, it’s nobody else’s business.”

I was right. It was nobody else’s business. Not Chloe, not his football friends, not Jessica or Justin. It was our thing. Nobody else needed to know. As much as I wanted to shout from a rooftop that I just did it with Zach Dempsey, I knew I couldn’t. It wasn’t just for him, it was for me too. If anyone knew, I’d be labeled as that. I’d be grouped with the other gay kids and not recognized as anything else. I needed a real identity before I told anyone about this one.

* * *

The next day at school, Zach avoided my eyes again. I don’t get it - how can he go from complimenting me and giving me kisses and then ignore me all day. He was still with Chloe, walking through the halls with his hand around her shoulders. I didn’t hate her as much as before. Things were different now. We settled it last night.

A few days a week, whenever one of us had late working parents, or siblings with violin lessons in Zach’s case, we would go to that person’s house and hang out. Hanging out, amongst other things as well. And I wasn’t allowed to be upset about him ignoring me in school. We both feared other people knowing about our little affair, so we had to be as distant as possible.

But at least we still had mondays. Ballet class. I got to see him mixing into my life, and I didn’t mind it. I could give him quick glances in class, knowing he saw me in the corner of his eye, whether or not he looked back at me. When he did look, it was quick. One might barely notice it, but of course I did.

His techniques were getting better. He was able to hold a coupe for longer than he could before, and now he could hold a posse for more than two seconds. Sometimes when we met up, I would teach him a few more moves. Hopefully I could get him doing stretches for a split soon, this way I could teach him my favorite leaps.

I also started to try and teach him lyrical. Before our first little private lesson, I made sure to find a song that he might connect with. All the routines I’ve made up to my own music were to songs that I connected to. I needed to find something for him. Something that would mean something to him as much as my songs meant to me. It also had to be easy, I couldn’t dive into our first lesson with something difficult. I spent an hour picking out a song the night before we would meet up the next morning in the school’s studio.

I picked one. The entire night before I spent choreographing a routine to it. Yeah, I barely had any room in my bedroom to really do it, but that just meant I had to get to the studio extra early the next morning. And I did.

* * *

“Okay, so I made an entire routine to this song, in fact I got here a half hour early to make sure it was perfect, but I think we should try something different today.” I told him.

“Different how?” He asked.

“We’re gonna dance together, completely improvised.”

I hit play on the speaker that was connected to my phone.

_If I could fly, I'd be coming right back home to you…_

I walked far from him. As the chords became quicker, I spun around until he caught me.

_I think I might, give up everything just ask me to…_

I faced out palms together without our fingers intertwining. I let him follow my lead, walking in a circle. He grabbed my hand softly and spun me around.

_Pay attention, I hope that you listen, cause I let my guard down…_

I did a single posse turn, falling into a backwards lunge and stretching my back backwards. I spun my arms behind me, one turning after the other.

_Right now I’m completely defenseless…_

He spun around, falling into a lunge and reaching his hand out for me to grab.

_For your eyes only, I’ll for you my heart…_

I took his hand and he pulled me up. Our chests crashed into each other so our faces were close enough to be touching.

_For when you’re lonely, and forget who you are…_

We started to do an average slow dance, to which he followed my lead.

_I’m missing half of me, when we’re apart…_

He spins me around slowly, pulling me back in and putting his hand on my waist.

_Now you know me, for your eyes only, for your eyes only…_

He landed a kiss on my lips as the first chorus ended.

The rest of the song we spent slow dancing, my head on his chest. He wasn’t significantly big, but five inches seemed like much more when you were pressed up against someone. I wanted to stay like this for the rest of the day. Fuck school, dancing with Zach was more important. But eventually, the song ended, and after another half hour, our before school practice ended.

Zach always left fifteen minutes early, making sure no one saw him anywhere near the dance room. It pained me that we had to stay a secret, but at the same time, our secrecy kept our relationship more private and personal. And it was.

Personal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sooooo secret love affair storyline... let me know what u guys think ;)
> 
> comments and kudos appreciated, and/or contact me at @unsaidfoley on twitter


	10. Chapter 10

You have _got_ to be kidding me. This has to be a joke. Why the fuck is the back door locked? It was supposed to be open for me to walk into so I could practice. There was supposed to be someone in the office to open the back door for me. I mean, I knew there were people here. It was friday morning.

Football practice is held in the mornings as well as after school on fridays because friday is game day. I let out a sigh and started walking.

When I reached the football field, all eyes were immediately on me. I felt like I was gonna be sick. I hated attention. Well, attention for stupid things. When people were watching me dance, that was good attention. When the back door was locked and I needed to get into the dance studio on a random friday morning, that was bad attention.

Coach Kerba followed everyone’s eyes. “Who are you?”

I jogged closer to him. “Alex, Alex Standall.” I said as I let out a deep breath. What? I’m a dancer, not a sprinter.

“How can I help you, Standall?”

“I do early practice every morning, but the back door is locked and I can’t get in.”

“Early practice for what?” He asked with a head tilt.

“Dance, Coach. I’m a dancer.”

“Oh. Very cool, Alex.”

“Thank you.”

My eyes started to wander around. The attention on me started to get overwhelming.

“Well I can’t let you in, Alex. I’m sure you’re telling the truth about why you need to get inside, but I’m only authorized to let my boys inside before first bell.”

I let out a sigh. “Oh.”

“If you want to go out, buy yourself a coffee, I say go for it. You have quite a lot of time. If not, you’re welcome to sit on the bleachers and study or something. I’m not sure what else I can offer, especially because my knowledge of dance practice is pretty limited.”

I felt my hands start to shake from anxiety. I couldn’t handle this many eyes on me, especially the eyes of a bunch of very heavily masucline boys who could easily beat the living shit out of me.

Coach Kerba must’ve noticed. “Ay,” He said, turning around to look at them. “Keep it moving, all of you.”

The boys threw their helmets back on their heads and continued to do whatever the hell they were supposed to be doing. I’m not really sure what goes on in a football practice, but I was glad I wasn’t a part of it.

“So, Alex. You can stay and watch if you want, I can’t stop you. If not, I’m sorry I couldn’t help.”

I thought about it for a second. Then I saw him. I recognized his jersey number, eighty-five. That, and his last name in big bold lettering above the number. DEMPSEY 85.

“If I leave, there’s a chance I won’t come back.”

He laughed at that. “The bench is all yours.”

I took a seat next to the big orange cooler. I went to cross my legs, but thought maybe I should at least try to look cool. Thank god I decided to change in the locker room today. This experience would’ve been ten times worse if I was wearing my tights. Instead, blue jeans and a flannel over a t-shirt was today’s show-stopping outfit. Literally.

After I set down my backpack and dance bag, I took my phone out of my pocket and turned it on. I tapped the twitter icon. While I pretended to be occupied, I heard footsteps coming towards me, and fast. I looked up. He stopped right by me, taking a cup from the stack and filling it up with water.

“Hey.” I said, making sure to keep my eyes down. If anyone saw us speaking, they’d question if we knew each other. He stayed facing the bleachers.

“Hey. Why aren’t you in the studio?”

“Back door was locked. I asked the coach to unlock it, he said he couldn’t.”

“That sucks.” He took a big gulp of water.

“Yeah, but now I get to see your ass in those tight pants on the field, so I guess it worked out.”

“Shut up.” He said with a serious face, crushing the cup and throwing it out.

He turned around and started to jog back on the field. I wasn’t lying - his ass was gorgeous. I wondered why he barely showed any emotion during our mini conversation, but I shook it off. It did suck that I couldn’t practice, but now I got to see what his world was about…

* * *

“Dempsey!” Coach Kerba yelled out. I turned and ran off the field to meet him.

“Yeah, coach?” I said to him.

“You ready for the game tonight?” He asked me.

“Yeah, of course.” I nodded.

“Those lessons been paying off?”

“Yeah, I think so.”

“Let me ask you - you know this scrawny dancer kid?”

“Oh, um… he’s in the class. Why do you ask?”

“I saw you talking to him. I know the rest of the team wouldn’t know him, let alone speak to him.”

“Yeah, yeah. I dance with him.”

“Just dance?”

“Just dance… why?”

“No reason. You just seem different.”

I felt my heart start racing. How does he know? I started to feel scared - what if the team has picked up on it too? I need to be more careful.

I mean, I have to give it to Coach Kerba. If he hadn’t assigned those classes, I would’ve never talked to Alex outside of teasing the shit out of him. Our first kiss was because of that class. But even if it was all because of Coach, he wasn’t allowed to know. As much as he’s helped me through everything, my dad’s death being the biggest thing he helped me get through, I just couldn’t imagine anyone knowing. Besides - what would he even say? It’s like he was my dad, so he probably would think it was weird I was telling him. Even if he was accepting, I just couldn’t. Not yet, at least.

“Oh.”

“Not in a bad way, Dempsey. Different in a good way.”

Exactly. Alex was making me a better person. He made me happy. I just couldn’t tell anyone.

“Thanks, I guess.”

“Hey listen, I know the anniversary is coming up. If you need anything, Dempsey, I’m here.”

I let out a sigh. “Thank you, coach.”

“Alright, get back on the field.”

I turned around and jogged back on the field.

* * *

I watched as Zach talked to his coach. I wondered what they were saying. I noticed I was staring, quickly turning my head back to my phone.

After an hour of unnoticeably looking up from my phone to watch him, the coach called them into the locker room. I picked up my stuff and started to walk around to the front of the school. I opened my phone and called Jess.

“Hello?” She answered.

“Hey, the back door was locked so I’m coming in through the front. Meet me by the front office.”

“Got it.”

Soon enough, the bell rang and I walked into the building, quickly spotting Justin and Jessica walking to them.

“What’s that smile about?” She asked me.

“What, I’m not allowed to smile?”

“No, you are. I just haven’t seen it in a while.”

“I guess… anyways, you’re going to the game tonight right?”

“Yeah, why?”

“Can you pick me up?”

“You wanna go?”

“Yeah, sure.”

“Oh my god, amazing! Yes, I can totally pick you up. Be ready by six-thirty.”

“Wow, Alex. Never thought I’d hear you voluntarily coming to one of the games.” Justin said, giving me a light punch on my arm.

“Well, I guess I’m just full of surprises.”

* * *

I hopped in Jessica’s car, slamming the door and buckling the seat belt.

“Wow, you seem excited.” She said.

“Just drive.” I told her. She sped off.

When we got to the school, it was packed the same amount as it was all those weeks ago when I last came to a game. People had hoodies and jackets on this time as the fall weather started to roll in. I was okay in my flannel, but I knew I would regret not wearing a hoodie like everyone else.

Me and Jessica stood in front of the bleachers, watching the football players as they ran out of the locker room and onto the field. I watched Zach as he stared and waved to Chloe. I used to wanna be Chloe, but now I was happy to be me. Yeah, everything we did had to stay hidden, but at least it’s happening. It’s not some fake thing while he has an affair. In a way, I felt bad for Chloe. She was so sweet, she didn’t deserve to be lied to. But what else could he do? If he broke up with her, he would need a reason why. As easy as that would be, what would people say? They’d start creating rumors about why they broke up. It just wasn’t a good idea.

As the game went on, I noticed we were losing. And it was Zach’s fault. He wasn’t doing his best, but I couldn’t tell why. What was wrong? We didn’t talk much about anything that bothered us. Our relationship was strictly physical. But maybe that needed to change if something was hurting him so bad he was doing this bad at the thing he’s the best at.

After the game, I pretended to wait for Justin outside the locker room with Jess. When he came out, so did Zach. Zach looked upset. He walked right past us and didn’t look back.

“That was so good, you did amazing.”

Justin looked thrilled. They had won the game by one point. “Yeah, I just don’t know what’s wrong with Zach tonight. He hasn’t been that bad since, you know.”

“Since what?” I asked.

“His dad’s death.”

“Oh. It happened during football season?”

“Yeah. He was pretty fucked up the first few weeks after it happened, he barely came to practice. But by basketball season he seemed okay again.”

“When did it happen?” I asked.

“Around now, actually. Two years ago in like a few days, I think.”

That has to be why he’s been so upset lately. He didn’t show up the past few days for early practice, and he never texted me to go to either of our houses, and when I would text him he left me on read. I had to help him, I needed to make him feel better. I just didn’t know how.

* * *

It was around one in the morning when I got the phone call. At first, I was excited. He was finally calling me. He had ignored all my texts that night, so maybe he was calling to apologize or something. But I was wrong.

“Zach?” I answered the call.

“Hey! Hey.” He said. Something sounded off.

“What’s up?”

“I’m um… I’m at the school.” He started laughing. I heard something in the background that sounded like a drink splashing around a bottle. “And I thought I should call you to tell you.”

“…Tell me what?”

“To say goodbye.”

“Say goodbye?”

“I’m leaving. Today marks two years since my dad’s death. I think-” He stopped. I heard gulping. Was he drunk? “I think I should see him again. I wanna tell him about you.”

“Zach, what are you saying?”

“I’m saying this is the end.”

“Zach, where are you.” I got up quickly and slipped my shoes on.

“I told you already, I’m chillin’ at the school. This was where I was right before I _watched_ him die.”

“I’m coming to get you. Stay where you are, please. Don’t hang up the phone.”

“Alex, buddy, It’s okay. You’ll find another fuck buddy.”

“Zach-”

“I’ll see you later, man.”

“Zach, please. Don’t hang up.”

“It’s all gonna be okay.”

“Zach-” But it was too late. He had already hung up the phone.

My heart was racing and my hands were shaking. What if I was too late? I sprinted out of the house and jumped into my car, speeding out of the driveway and driving to the school as fast as I could.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dark ending, sorry. if i start to update a few days apart instead of daily its because im going out of town so my apologies in advance. comments and kudos are always appreciated and/or contact me at @unsaidfoley on twitter :)


	11. Chapter 11

I got to the school and immediately spotted him. He was walking on the edge of the roof in the front of the building. I watched him as he took another gulp of whatever drink he was holding. All the doors would be locked. How did he even get up there? Then it hit me - the locker room. There were always boys sneaking into school as night. At the end of every home game, one of them would make sure to keep the locker room door unlocked so they could fuck around after hours. All the kids knew about it, but none of the faculty paid any attention. Especially because it was the football boys. I ran around to the side of the building as fast as I could, busting into the locker room and sprinting through the halls to the door that led to the roof.

When I got up there, I watched as he continued to walk the lining of the roof. His arms were spread for balance and his back was faced towards me.

“Zach!” I yelled out. He turned around and groaned.

“Why are you here?” He said before taking the final gulps of his drink and smashing the bottle of the gravel.

“Zach, you can’t do this. Please get down.”

“I can’t, Alex. Oh, Alex. Alex, Alex, Alex. Such a perfect name. Alex Standall.”

God, he was completely wasted. “I’m begging you, just step off the ledge.”

“Alex, it’s done. I have to now. I’m already up here. I have to… I have to do this.”

He was a mess. He was wobbling with every step and slurring every word. He looked so… sad.

“Zach, I need you here. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me, I can’t do this without you.”

“You have dance, and your friends, and a family. No dead parents for you!” He ended with a painful laugh.

The early fall wind was blowing hard, shaking the trees below us. Every step he took made my stomach twist. I got closer to him. I had never been so terrified in my life. I couldn’t lose him. He seriously was the best thing to happen to me in a while. I couldn’t let the guy who made me feel the way I do just slip through my fingers. I can’t lose him. Zach Dempsey was too important to me.

I reached my hand out to him. “Please take my hand, I can help you, I promise.”

He started to fall. I felt my heart drop to my stomach. I thought I might throw up. I ran over and grabbed his hand, pulling him back onto the roof. He fell into me, causing us both to fall onto the gravel. I let out a huge breath.

“Holy shit.” He said. I heard a scoff come from him. “Why didn’t you let me go?”

“Because. I need you here.”

“But-But… That was insane. Holy shit! I could’ve died.” I felt him shaking as his chest was rising and falling with every heavy breath.

I held him close. I never knew he felt like this. If I had known, I could’ve helped him before he got up here. I could’ve stopped him from drinking so much and getting so drunk he even thought to come up here. But the things you do drunk, are the things you’re too scared to do sober. I hadn’t gotten drunk, but I knew that’s how things went. I wish I could help him. I had never been so scared in my life.

“You can’t do that. I need you here, Zach Dempsey.”

“No you don’t, Alex Standall.”

“I’ve never been so serious about something in my life.”

I slipped out from under him and helped him up, putting his arm around my neck to help him climb down the stairs and back to my car.

“What…” He stopped to burp. “What about my car?”

“We can get it tomorrow.”

“I think…” He started. “Oh god. Pull over.”

I quickly pulled over on the side of the road. He opened the door and sprinted out behind the car. I looked away as he got sick, praying it wasn’t anywhere near my car. I didn’t feel like cleaning vomit off my car tonight, or any night for that matter.

I’ve never gotten that drunk, or witnessed anyone get drunk enough to puke. I’ve seen my fair share of puking - I was there for Justin’s drug detox. But I’ve never held back Jessica’s hair while she stuck her head in a toilet bowl. I didn’t get it. How could someone drink that much? But he was hurting, so I guess I did get it.

When he came back in the car, he didn’t say a word.

“You good?” I asked.

“Yeah, for sure.”

I put my car back in drive and we were off to his house.

* * *

When we got back to his house, I helped him out of the car and started walking to the door. His legs were criss-crossing as he walked. I try to keep his balance for him, but he was so big compared to me that it was getting more and more difficult.

Eventually, we made it to his bed. I helped him climb in where he crashed into the pillow and immediately fell asleep.

“Zach?” I asked. No answer. I shut off the light and climbed in next to him.

No way was I about to leave him on his own. He already said his mom and sister went out of town to visit his father’s grave, so staying the night wasn’t a big deal.

I couldn’t believe the events that took place tonight. I never knew he felt so down. Whether or not tonight was about his dad, nobody gets that way in one day. He must’ve been struggling with this the whole time without anyone knowing. It broke my heart that he felt like he couldn’t tell me about it. I mean, we didn’t talk about these kinds of things. I never told him about my sleeping problem, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t tell me about his problems. I couldn’t stand to see him like this. He needed help. I don’t mean my help, he needed professional help.

The rest of the night, I couldn’t sleep. Not even a little. The entire night I spent with my eyes open and my mind racing.

* * *

The next morning, I heard a loud yawn and the comforter on Zach’s bed start to rustle. 

“Alex? What are you doing here?”

“I’ve been here all night?”

“Why are my clothes still on?” He joked.

“You don’t remember what happened last night?”

“God, I was so wasted. I don’t remember anything.”

“Zach…”

“Alex?”

“Are you okay? Seriously. Because if you’re not, you know we can talk about those things.”

“You’re serious?”

“Dead serious.”

“Alex, I’m fine.”

“You really don’t remember anything from last night?”

“Really. I must’ve blacked out, I drank like two bottles of whiskey.”

“Well, like I said. If you need something, someone… you got me.”

“You’re adorable.”

“Zach, I’m being serious.”

“I got you too, man.” He turned over to get up, rubbing his face. “Shit, what day is it?”

“It’s saturday.”

“Shit. My mom is gonna be home in a few hours. I wish I didn’t have to, but I gotta kick you out.”

“It’s cool. Just call me if you need anything.”

“Okay.”

I left the house and jumped into the car, driving away.

* * *

God, my head hurts. Yeah, I drank a lot last night. I wish I blacked out, but I didn’t. I remember everything that happened. The phone call, the rooftop, almost falling off. I don’t know how I feel.

It’s like… I want to die. But I’m not sure when. Last night, I would’ve done it if Alex hadn’t shown up. I would’ve rotted for a few days until some teacher found my body monday morning. But I’m kind of happy he showed up. I’m happy he cared. I just wish I cared too.

I stepped out of bed, feeling sick to my stomach. I really shouldn’t have drank that much last night. I went into the bathroom cabinet and popped a few painkillers, washing them down with sink water. When I got to the kitchen, I looked through everything - the cabinets, the fridge, the freezer. Nothing seemed appealing. I felt like I was gonna be sick. Again.

What made me _really_ feel sick, was that Alex was the person I called. The person who I forced to leave in the middle of the night to come ‘rescue’ me or whatever. I couldn’t believe it. I could’ve called anyone else. Why did I call anyone at all? That was stupid. I should’ve just done the deed and let it be. Everyone would get over it eventually.

I wound up grabbing a water bottle from the garage fridge and downing it in a few gulps. I also prayed the nausea would quickly pass. It was sickening.

Literally.

* * *

“Alex Standall, get in here. Now.” I heard my dad yell from the kitchen as I entered my house.

Shit. I never called anyone to tell them I was going out. I walked into the kitchen slowly to see both of my parents. They were both standing by the counter with angry faces.

“Where the hell have you been all night?” My mom asks loudly.

“Jessica’s. I forgot to call you.” I said, awkwardly putting my hand on my hip.

“Really, cause we called Jessica and she said she had no idea where you were.” My dad said.

Shit. Shit. Shit. What the hell am I gonna do now? “Oh.”

“Oh? That’s all you have to say for yourself?”

I just stared at them. I didn’t know what to say. I couldn’t tell them I was with Zach. That violated all of my privacy. Not that I had any privacy after this, but still. I don’t know.

“So, Alex. Where were you?”

I froze. What do I say? “I don’t know.”

“You don’t know?” My dad started yelling. “How do you _not know?_ Alex Standall, tell us the truth right now or your life is over as you know it.”

“I was with someone.”

“Who’s _someone?_ ” My mom continues.

“Just… someone. You don’t know them.”

“So, please, enlighten us on this someone.” My dad tilts his head with concern.

I can’t. It’s too soon. “A girl.”

My parents looked shocked. “A girl?” My dad said. He looked stunned.

“Yeah. A girl. She doesn’t want anyone to know about us, so I can’t tell you her name.”

“My son… with a _girl?_ That’s amazing!” My dad said.

“Bill!” My mom smacked his arm.

“Right, right. Go to your room, you’re grounded for two weeks. School, dance, home. No Jessica.”

“No Jessica?”

“No Jessica.”

I groaned and went to my room. Why would I say that? I don’t even know any girls. I mean, there were some in my dance class, but none that I really talked to. I mean… there was one girl.

Courtney Crimsen. No, she wasn’t a dancer. But she was the nicest girl in school. And I knew she needed me for the same reason I needed her. Back in freshman year, her and an old student were photographed kissing. The pictures went all around school, labeling her as a lesbian. She’s denied it to this day, but I knew better. I could just propose the idea to her and see what she says. Where’s the harm in that?

* * *

“Hey!” Courtney said as she sat across from me with a mug of coffee in her hand. Earlier in school, I asked her if we could meet at Monet’s so I could ask her something. “What’s up?”

I told my parents my dance teacher called me in for a saturday practice as an excuse to come and meet her.

“Hey, Courtney.” I said as she sipped her drink. “I have a proposal.”

“What is it?” She asked.

“Well, remember back in freshman year when that picture of you and Hannah went around? Everybody thought you were gay?”

“Yeah, unfortunately. I mean, I’m not. That wasn’t even me in the picture-”

“Yes it was. I’m not stupid, Courtney.”

“So what? You came here to blackmail me or something?” She started to get annoyed.

“I’m not here to blackmail you, I’m not an asshole. I just have an idea.”

“What’s your idea?”

“Well, everyone thinks you’re gay, and most people probably think I’m gay-”

“Yeah, they do.”

“Okay, not the point. My point is, we pretend to date, and nobody will think either of us are gay anymore.”

“Okay… I can get behind that. Why did you come up with this anyway?”

“Well I snuck out last night and my big excuse was I was with a girl. Now I have to bring a girl home or I’ll be slaughtered.”

“Oh, okay. So… what do we do now?”

“Um… I don’t know, I’ve never really done the dating thing.”

“I guess we just… hold hands in the hallway and let people think what they wanna think!”

“Yeah, that’s perfect.”

And it was. The next monday, I told her to meet me by the dance studio as soon as the bell rang. She followed my instructions very clearly. I texted Jessica and told her I wasn’t doing morning practices for a little while and she didn’t have to meet me by the studio. She also followed my instructions.

“You ready?” Courtney asked me.

“I guess so.” I replied.

I interlocked my fingers with hers and started walking through the halls. Immediately there were people looking at us. We put on our fakest smiles and pretended to be one happy fucking couple.

When I saw Zach in the hallway, he looked sad as he watched my hand hold Courtney’s. I grabbed my phone from my pocket and texted him with my free hand.

 _Me:_ she’s my chloe.

 _Zach:_ Your Chloe?

 _Me:_ fake gf

_Zach:_ Ohhh, got it. 

_While I held her hand, I imagined it was his. I just wanted it to be his. But, it is what it is. Que sera, sera. Whatever will be, will be._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if any of you are feeling the way i portrayed zach in this chapter, please get in touch with a friend, family member, or anyone you trust, or you can contact me at @unsaidfoley on twitter to talk about anything. i love you all, stay safe !!


	12. Chapter 12

I heard a knock at the door while I ate cereal on the couch. It was friday night and of course, I wasn’t allowed out.

“I’ll get it!” I yelled.

I put my bowl on the coffee table and walked to the door. When I opened it, a huge smile appeared on my face.

“Surprise!” He said.

“Holy shit! Why are you here?”

“Damn, hello to you too.”

“Oh shut up.” I pulled him in for a tight hug.

Peter Standall. My older brother. He had been away at college since august, it now being mid-october, and barely called because he was so busy. He was the quarterback for the Rutgers football team.

“No, seriously though. Mom called me all stressed out and shit, figured I’d surprise you guys.” He told me.

“How long are you staying?”

“I’m leaving tuesday, so you got me for the weekend buddy!”

Suddenly, I heard footsteps coming down the stairs before my mom gasping in excitement. “Peter!” She said as she raced down the steps and gave him a huge hug. “Bill! Get down here!”

“What?” He yelled back. He appeared at the steps not too long after. “Hey!”

“Hey, dad.” Peter said as he embraced our dad in a big hug.

“What are you doing here?” My mom asked.

“Well you called me and you were freaking out for some reason, so I caught a last minute flight and here I am.”

“Oh that’s amazing.” She said. He laughed.

“Did Alex tell you?” My dad asked Peter.

“Tell me what?”

“Yeah, tell him what?”

“He’s got a girlfriend.”

Oh my god. You have got to be fucking kidding me.

“Seriously, buddy?” Peter said with a smile.

“Yeah…” I said before an awkward laugh.

“Well who is she?”

“He won’t tell us.” My dad added.

“Courtney. Her name is Courtney.”

“Oh, finally! A name.” My mom said. “Why don’t you invite her over for dinner tomorrow. She can meet your whole family!”

“I’m not sure that’s a great idea-”

“Come on, Alex. Don’t disappoint me like that, I didn’t fly over here for nothing.”

“Um…” How do I get out of this one? “Sure. I’ll text her.”

* * *

_Me:_ u free tomorrow??

 _Courtney:_ Yeah, why?

 _Me:_ my parents wanna meet u cause my brothers in town for the weekend

 _Courtney:_ Is that a good idea?

 _Me:_ probably not, but it’s too late now

 _Courtney:_ I’ll be over at 7 :)

I put my phone down with a sigh. I love Peter, I do, really. And I love seeing him. But why did he have to come now? When my life isn’t making sense in the slightest, that’s when he decided to come for a surprise visit. Yay!

I felt bad for Courtney. She didn’t ask me for shit in this relationship. I don’t even think her dads know I exist if I’m being honest. She’s living the easy life - her dads are gay, everyone at school loves her despite the rumors about her sexuality, and she had the best grades to get into any college she wanted to go to. Me? Well I have a cop for a father, a big football quarterback for a brother, a very confusing mother, and I was a dancer. A fucking dancer. Who knows what my family would say if I brought home a boy? They’d probably react really badly and I’d hate myself for eternity.

* * *

The following night, it was around six-fifty when I heard the doorbell ring. I went to answer it, already knowing who it was.

“Hey, Courtney.” I said.

“Hey!” She said. She was wearing a cute maroon sweater with a white collar popping out the top and a white headband. Perfect. Exactly the girl my parents needed to assume I was dating.

“Be cool, pretend you actually give a shit about me.”

“I do give a shit about you.” She said.

“Perfect.” I said. I grabbed her hand and led her into the kitchen.

“Oh! You must be Courtney.” My mom said, shaking her hand. My dad turned around.

“Hi, Mr. and Mrs.Standall.” Courtney said.

“Please, Carolyn and Bill.” My dad said as he shook her hand.

My brother came strolling in soon after. “You’re Courtney, I assume?” He said to her.

“That’s me.” She said with a smile.

“Nice to meet you. Peter.” He said, stretching his hand out to shake hers.

“Alright, well. Courtney, my wife over here is making some amazing pasta with vodka sauce. Hope you eat that.”

“Of course! Italian dishes are amazing.”

“I agree!” My mom said. She leaned into me as Courtney spoke to my dad. “I like her.”

I gave an awkward smile. What did I get myself into?

After a few minutes of awkward silence between all of us at the table, my mom brought over a big down of pasta covered in vodka sauce. She also brought over some Italian bread cut into slices.

“I’m sorry, I feel like I should’ve made a more extravagant meal.”

“No!” Courtney said. “It looks delicious.”

My mom clicked her tongue. “You’re so sweet.”

Everyone scooped themselves some pasta and dug in. It was quiet for a few minutes, but I knew it wouldn’t last.

“So,” My dad said as he finished chewing. “How did you two become a thing?”

“Well, we have third period together where we actually sit next to each other. We started talking at the beginning of the year and eventually started to meet outside of school when we decided to be more than friends.” Courtney explained. She was doing so good. If I didn’t know she was gay, I would’ve thought she was actually into me.

“Oh, how nice!” My mom said.

I felt something hit my leg under the table. It was my brother’s foot. I looked at him, confused. He started to mouth something to me but I couldn’t make out what he was saying. I mouthed that I couldn’t understand him and he shook his head and continued eating.

“So, tell me, Courtney. What sports do you play?” My brother asked.

“None, actually. I'm the student body president.”

“Oh, cool.”

The rest of the dinner was just more awkward questions. Shit like _how long have you known Alex?_ and _where are you gonna apply to college next year?_ It was painful to listen to this go on. But not too long after, Courtney said her goodbyes and left. After she was long gone, I walked into my brother’s room.

“What were you trying to say to me during dinner?” I asked.

“Nothing. Don’t worry about it.” He said, not even looking up from his phone.

“No, tell me.”

“I said, _What the hell is this?_ ”

“What does that mean?”

“It means, what are you hiding from me?”

I took a deep breath. “Not here.”

Peter told our parents we were going for a drive, a little brother bonding session. They let it slide because he would only be here for the weekend. We got into my car and started driving. If you asked where I was driving us to, I wouldn’t be able to tell you. I just started driving aimlessly for almost twenty minutes before finally parking in front of a random park in a random neighborhood. It was late out so there were no kids playing on the playground, thank god. It was just us, sitting down on a bench in front of the jungle-gym.

I let out a breath.

“What up, Alex?” My brother said with concern. “Whatever it is, you know you can tell me. Right?”

“Yeah, yeah. I just…” I couldn’t even get the words out. I didn’t even know what words I was trying to get out of my mouth.

“You just… what?” He asked.

I blew out a heavy breath. Fuck. I know I can tell him. I know he won’t judge me. But what if he does? I couldn’t handle that. My own brother being ashamed of me. I felt a rush of emotions wave over me. It took me a second to realize I even started crying.

“What’s wrong, buddy?” My brother asked.

“I… I have to tell you something.” I said with a sniffle. I was trying so hard to stop the tears but I couldn’t. I couldn’t even look him in the eyes.

“What is it?” He said. “No judgement.”

I tried to steady my breathing. “Courtney’s not my girlfriend.”

“Okay? Who is she?”

“She’s just- She’s just a girl in my school.”

“Then why did you tell everyone she was your girlfriend?”

“Because, Peter.” I said. I looked at him. I stared into his eyes for a good ten seconds.

I felt like garbage. I felt like throwing up. I can’t do this. Why am I crying? I wish Zach was here. He would know how to calm me down. I don’t know how, but he would. He would tell me it was all going to be okay, or I was going to be okay. Something like that. But whatever it was, I know it would do the trick. But he wasn’t here. And my brother was. I wiped my eyes and sniffled.

“I’m gay.”

“Oh.”

“I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

“I don’t know.”

“Don’t be sorry. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“Oh.” I was still crying.

“Alex?”

“Yeah?”

“Why are you crying?”

“God, I don’t even know.”

“Am I the only one who knows?”

“Well, you… and the guy I’ve been seeing.”

“You’ve been seeing someone? A guy?”

“Yeah.”

“That’s amazing! I’m happy for you.”

I wiped my eyes. “Really?”

“Really.” He said. I started to laugh, and he joined in. It wasn’t an awkward or forced laugh. It was just… a singal. A sign that everything was okay. “So, who is he?”

“I can’t tell you. He doesn’t want anyone to know.”

“Okay, that’s chill.” He nodded. “Only mystery boy knows?”

“Him, and you.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.” I gave him a worried look. “You can’t tell mom and dad. I don’t know what they’ll say, if they find out-”

“Hey.” He stopped me. “I’m not gonna tell a soul.”

I laughed again. It was more of a scoff laugh, but there was still a smile on my face.

After that conversation, I felt better than I had ever felt. We walked back to my car and hopped in. I plugged my phone into the aux and started playing my road trip playlist. No, we weren’t going on a road trip. This was just a playlist of the best driving songs. The first song was _Paper Planes_ by M.I.A.

We drove around town for at least an hour or two. We drove into towns we hadn’t ever been to, driving around under the streetlights with the moon shining in our eyes. We yelled along to the words of each song as we drove. Before we had to go back home, I had to make a phone call. We parked on the side of the street in the middle of some random neighborhood before I took my phone out of my phone and clicked on his contact. It rang a few times before finally-

“Hello?”

“Hey, Zach.”

“What’s up?”

“Nothing much, just felt like calling you.”

“You good?”

“I’ve never been better.”

“Well last time I checked, we have not banged tonight, so I’m not sure that’s true.”

“You’d be surprised. I mean, I didn’t bang anyone. But I feel amazing right now.”

“Are you drunk or high or something?”

“No! No. I was just happy, so I thought I’d give you a call.”

“I’m glad I’m the person you call when you’re happy.”

“Of course.”

“So, tell me… why are you so happy?”

“I, um… I came out to my brother.”

“Like, told him you’re gay, or told him about me?”

“Both. But I left your name out of it.”

“What happened to Courtney?”

“That’s more for my parents and the school than for me.”

“And how about for me?”

“Oh, I’m all yours baby.” We laughed together.

“Goodbye, Alex.”

“Goodnight, Zach.”

I got back into the car. “Was that him who you were on the phone with?”

“Why?”

“Because you’ve got a big ass smile on your face right now.”

I laughed. He was right. I can’t believe the kid I used to hate was now the kid I liked so much. Even if nobody could know, _I_ knew. And I guess now Peter knew. I’m glad Peter knows. As cheesy and cliché as it sounds, I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my chest. I wish Zach could feel how I felt right now.

He will. One day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> two updates in one day. i really said slow updates and then wrote two chapters in one day. im a clown.
> 
> anyways, i hope you guys enjoyed alex's coming out to his brother. this was one of my favorite chapter to write if i'm being honest.
> 
> i forgot to put end notes on my last chapter but heres a reminder that comments and kudos are ALWAYS appreciated, and/or contact me at @unsaidfoley on twitter for anything.


	13. Chapter 13

It had been a little over a week since I told my brother that my relationship with Courtney was fake. When I told him I was… you know. Ever since that day, I thought life would get easier. But it only made things worse. Now I wanted to tell more people, but I had to hold myself back. Remind myself that not everyone is going to be as cool as my brother was about it. I was losing even more sleep. Sometimes I’d get at least two hours, others I’d get none at all. I could feel the exhaustion more and more as the days went by. Each day was worse, my body getting heavier and heavier as I walked. I could keep my eyes closed forever, but actually falling asleep was the most difficult part.

Wait, I lied. Dancing was the most difficult part. Every practice was getting harder and harder. The lack of sleep was making any focus I had go to shit. My teachers were getting angrier and angrier with me everyday. I was pushing myself so hard it made my head spin. Every comment I got from one of my dance teachers was another hour of sleep I lost. It was driving me insane. An endless cycle of not being good enough but not being able to do anything about it because I was too tired.

It was monday, though. Ballet with Zach. Zach used to make things better. I used to be able to fall asleep for a few extra hours when I was with him, but lately my sleeping problem was bad enough to make that stop working. I felt unfixable. Every night made me feel worse and worse. I felt like garbage every time I heard my alarm go off and realize I had been laying in bed all night, not being able to fall asleep.

Today was the worst, though. It was like, every day sucked. Right? And I was tired, so tired I could barely keep my eyes open. But today was horrible. I walked through the halls, each step feeling painful as my foot lifted from the ground and fell back down. I didn’t even go to my morning practice because I couldn’t be bothered to move. The exhaustion was starting to take a physical toll on my body, and I wasn’t enjoying it. I texted Jessica that I’d be waiting for her in the lobby instead of the studio. When her and Justin saw me, they didn’t look too happy.

“Holy shit.” Jessica said as she examined my face. “You look… Jesus.”

“I know.” I said. My eyes were half closed and I could feel my whole body slumping over.

“Damn, buddy. You good?” Justin asked as he looked at me.

“Yeah, yeah. Just haven’t gotten that much sleep in the past few, like… I don’t know.”

“When’s the last time you got at least six hours?” Jessica crossed her arms.

“I don’t know. A while ago.”

“You need sleep, Alex.”

“Tell that to my brain who refuses to let me.”

“Alright, well, enough is enough. You need to see a doctor.” Jessica said.

“I can’t. I can’t tell my parents about my problem, they’ll say I have to quit dance, they’ll say it’s overworking me and make me stop going.”

“I doubt that.”

“Well, whatever. I’ll figure it out.” I lied.

It felt like shit to lie, but what else could I do? I can’t tell my parents for the already listed reasons, and I’m not eighteen so I can’t see anyone by myself. There was no winning. Or sleeping.

* * *

Later that day, I was driving to dance when I realized I was barely even awake enough to drive well. I started to drift off the road, not even realizing until a loud beep came from a car going the opposite direction. I swerved back into my lane, shaking my head to wake myself up. I managed to make it to the studio in one piece, barely. I stepped out of the car, wobbling with every step. I walked in and threw my ballet shoes on. I walked inside the studio right as Amy started the class. She gave me a concerning look.

“Hey, you good?” Zach asked me as I took my position next to him.

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

“You sure?”

“Definitely.”

Amy clapped her hands together to signal the start of class. “Alright, let’s start with our stretches.”

With every stretch I did, I felt heavier. Like gravity had turned itself up and was dragging me to the ground. Before I knew it, the relaxation that came with stretches was over, and it was time to actually work.

“Okay. Let’s do leaps today. We can work on everyone’s form and positions…”

All of the sudden, every word she spoke was becoming muffled. It was like I was starting to go deaf within seconds. I stared at the wall until I heard-

“Alex!” Amy yelled.

“Yes?” I asked politely.

“You’re up first. Basic leaps, across the floor.” She said. I quickly walked to the center of the left wall and faced the right wall. I came to my position before things got worse. The muffling came back but was stronger this time. I managed to hear the loud music start to play and struggled to get to my position. She counted the beats, but I couldn’t move. All of the sudden, the music stopped.

“Alex?” Amy said. “What’s wrong? Why aren’t you moving?”

“I, um…” But that was all I could make out. I felt my breathing become heavy and my body start to wobble. My vision started to become blurry and big black dots started to appear before my eyes. Next thing I knew, the only thing I could see was black.

* * *

When I woke up, I saw a bright light. Did I die? Is this heaven? No… no. My vision starts to come back. I’m in a room. A white room. A hospital room. Why am I here?

“What happened?” I said, rubbing my eyes. I saw my parents coming over to me.

“Oh, thank god.” My mom said breathily.

“Hey, buddy. You passed out during dance.” My dad said, squeezing my arm

“What? I passed out?”

“What happened? Have you been eating?” My mom asked.

“Yes, I’ve been eating.”

“Then what happened, baby?”

Suddenly, another person walked into the room. He was wearing a white coat and had a clipboard in his hands.

“Hey, Alex. My name is Doctor Thomas. Do you know what happened to you?” The man said.

“I passed out, apparently.”

“Do you know why?” He asked.

“No?”

“It was from exhaustion. Tell me, Alex. When’s the last time you’ve slept?”

“I don’t know, a few days ago? Maybe a week?”

“Oh, god.” My mom said. “Why didn’t you tell us?”

“I thought you might… I don’t know.”

“We might what?” My dad asked.

“You might make me quit dance or something, say it’s overworking me when it’s not.”

“Then what is it, buddy? Why aren’t you sleeping?”

“Jesus, I don’t know!” I yelled. I didn’t mean to yell, but Christ I was tired. I was so fucking tired, it was driving me crazy.

“Okay, well, we’re going to give you some medicine to put you to sleep right now, and then send you home with a prescription.”

“I don’t need pills.”

“Alex, you do.” My dad said. Both of my parents gave me upsetting looks.

I don’t want pills. I can’t take pills, I’ll get dependent and then never be able to sleep without them. I mean, I already can never sleep, but still.

“Do I have to take them now?”

“No, not yet. In a little bit we’ll get them, but for now just try to relax.”

“Okay, I guess.”

He then took my parents outside to fill out paperwork and all that shit.

I can’t believe this was happening. I can’t believe I fucking passed out. And in the middle of dance class? That’s embarrassing. Oh god. In front of Zach. He probably thinks I’m crazy or something. Shit.

I heard a knock on the door and looked up to see Jessica.

“Jesus, Alex. What happened back there?” She said as she walked over to me.

“I don’t really know, if I’m being honest. It just kind of happened and next thing I knew I was here.”

“Well, Amy cancelled class, obviously. I went home to change and then rushed here. The nurse said I couldn’t go in, but your parents said I could when they saw me.”

“Oh. Well, thanks. I hate it here.”

“Yeah, not a fun place to be.”

“How did everyone else react? Is everyone okay?” _What did Zach say?_

“Everyone’s just really worried about you. Even Zach was freaking out. Nobody knew what happened.”

“Apparently, it was exhaustion.” I told her with a sigh.

“Alex…”

“I don’t wanna hear it. I know, I should’ve said something. I didn’t think this was gonna happen.”

“I know. It’s okay.” Jessica took a seat on the edge of the bed. She looked sad. “I just wish you knew how much we all care about you. Maybe you wouldn’t have stayed quiet about it.”

“That’s not why. I know you care, and I care about you. It’s just… things are so… I don’t know.”

“You know you can talk to me right? Whatever seems to be keeping you up all night, besides the actual mental disorder, you can tell me. I would never judge you.”

“I know. I’ll tell you, eventually. I’m just not ready.”

“Okay. But when you are, I’m here. And Justin. He cares about you too, you know?”

“I know. Thank you, Jess.”

“Anytime.”

* * *

I was allowed to go home that night, on the condition I stayed home from school the next day to catch up on sleep. I was sent home with a prescription of some fancy word that meant sleeping pills.

I heard something hit my window at around midnight. My parents had gone to sleep already, and I had taken my pill, waiting for the effects to kick in. I ignored it, until I heard it again. I heard it a few more times before walking over to the window and opening the curtains to see what was hitting my window. There was someone standing outside my house, throwing rocks at my window. He was big and tall. Of course. I pointed at my door, signaling to him to stop throwing rocks like a child and wait at my door.

When I opened the door, he had a worried look on his face. Before I could even get a word out, he took a big step towards me and wrapped his arms around my body tightly.

“I was so worried.” He said with a deep breath.

“I’m okay, don’t worry.” I said, awkwardly hugging him back.

He let go of me. “What happened back there?”

“It was, um, exhaustion.”

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t really sleep, and lately I haven’t slept at all. Like, in days. I guess the exhaustion just took over my body and I passed out.”

“Jesus, Alex. Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I don’t know, I just thought… I don’t know what I thought. I just wanted to keep it to myself.”

“Well, you know you can tell me anything, right?”

“I know.” I said. I started to yawn. “You wanna come inside?”

“Sure.”

I let him in and led him up to my room. “Ugh, my favorite place.”

“Oh, shut up.” I laughed.

I fell onto my bed, moving over to the side so he could join me.

“What about your parents?”

“I locked the door. Besides, they both have work early in the morning. They wanted to stay home but I told them I’d be fine.”

“Oh, okay.”

“I’d suggest other activities for us, but I already took my sleeping pill. I don’t even know how I haven’t passed out again because this shit is really kicking in.”

“It’s all good. Get some rest, Alex.”

I looked him in the eyes as we laid next to each other. He placed a soft kiss on my forehead before I rolled over, backing up so I was against him. He rested one arm over my body, using the other to play with my hair.

Suddenly, that sweet feeling of sleep crept up on me, and I started to drift off…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> were u expecting that?? i planned on doing this chapter for a while which is why i always made alex tired or unable to sleep, this way it wouldnt be some sudden rushed thing.
> 
> comments and kudos are always appreciated, and once again u can contact me @unsaidfoley on twitter :)


	14. Chapter 14

Life on sleeping pills was a life of bliss. I was more energetic, I was dancing better, I could fucking _sleep_. The only downside is no more morning practices. I had to get as much sleep as possible or my parents flipped out. So, I stayed in bed longer, and didn’t faint in the middle of a dance practice. What a life I’m living.

It was a friday night, almost a month after the incident. My parents decided to take a little weekend vacation upstate. I told them I didn’t wanna go, and they said I didn’t have to on the condition that I stay with Jessica while they’re gone. They didn’t care whether or not she came here or I went there, I just had to be watched every night. I texted Jessica that I wanted a night alone, and she agreed that I should get to have it. By the time I got home from school, my parents had left. I quickly called Zach and told him to come over as soon as possible.

He rolled off of me and we fell onto the bed. I snuggled under the covers while we caught our breath. We stared at the ceiling together.

“That was…” Zach started.

“Amazing. I don’t think it’s ever been that good.” I finished.

“Exactly.” He said as he got under the covers.

I rolled over to face him. “Maybe we should do this more often.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, what if we started telling me. I’m so sick of Courtney pretending to be all in my business, and I _know_ you’re sick of Chloe following you around like a lost puppy. Let’s just tell people. Think of the time we could spend together if we didn’t have to keep everything so private.”

“I don’t think that’s a great idea.” He said as he turned from me.

“Why? Like, what’s the worst that could happen?”

“I just can’t.”

“Is your family homophobic or something? If you’re worried about school I really don’t think anyone would care.” I sat upwards, getting frustrated.

“Alex, please just drop it. I don’t want to.”

“But-”

“Alex, stop! I don’t want to, what don’t you understand about that?” He yelled as he sat up.

I just stared at him. What the fuck? What did I do that he felt the need to yell at me like that? I climbed out of the bed, starting to put my clothes back on.

“Wait.” He said. I turned around to look at him. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have yelled.”

I stopped and glared at him. “Whatever.”

“Look, it’s not because of you. I promise it’s not you. I know most people in school would be cool about it, but my friends might not be.”

“Then why are you friends with them?”

“Because I have to be. It’s the way things work, I play sports so I’m friends with the jocks. You do dance so you’re friends with the dancers.”

“How about Justin, huh? You think he’d care? And I think you mean dancer without the s because there’s about one dancer I’m friends with.”

“Alex, I’m just not ready. I will be, one day. But not yet. I don’t want anyone knowing, can’t you just respect that?”

I paused. “I don’t know. Maybe we should just stop this all together. I’m sick of sneaking around all the time and lying to all our friends and family. Jessica thinks I’m just home alone asleep right now.”

“Oh, shit. What time is it? What time do you have to take your pill?”

“Zach, relax. I’ll take it when we’re done.”

“Am I staying over?”

“What, you’re already done?”

“Not even close.” He said with a grin.

He grabbed me by my waist and pulled me onto the bed, flipping me over and kissing all down my back…

* * *

I woke up the next morning with my legs entangled with Zach’s. I pushed myself up and looked at the alarm clock. It was almost noon. We had gone to bed so late, I don’t even remember what time it was. I put my hand on Zach’s shoulder and started to shake him awake.

“Zach,” I groaned. “It’s almost twelve. You gotta get up.”

“What?” He said as he started to open his eyes.

“It’s almost twelve, get up.”

“Oh shit.” He said as he shot up. “I had to be home by ten, I told my mom I was sleeping at Justin’s.”

“Did you tell Justin you were sleeping at Justin’s?”

“...Shit.” He grabbed his phone swiftly and clicked it on. “Okay, he said he covered for me. But he wants to know where I am.”

“Oh fuck.”

“Yeah, shit.” He paused. “What do I say?”

“Um… tell him you were with Chloe or something. Or you went out drinking.”

“Yes, alcohol, perfect.”

He texted Justin before slipping his pants back on. I steadily put mine back on, knowing I wasn’t in the rush he was in. He threw on his socks and shoes and kissed me goodbye before rushing out the door.

I flopped back onto the bed. God, what am I _doing?_ Like, I’m having the best time of my life, and nobody even knows about it. I just wanna tell someone, someone that I can talk to in person. So far, the only person who knows besides us is my brother, but he’s not here. I wanted to tell someone. I _really_ wanted to tell Jessica. But the fear of judgment was too big. At least with my brother, if he reacted badly I wouldn’t have to see him everyday. If Jessica reacted badly, I’d have to fear the wrath of whoever she would tell.

I mean, I don’t think she’d react badly. She’s never said anything against gay people. I’m not sure how she actually feels about them. But still, no. I can’t tell her. Especially because she’s very pressing about things she doesn’t know. It’s like, if she doesn’t find out every detail, she’ll drop dead or something. I’m not going to be responsible for her death because I wanted to come out and Zach didn’t.

Oh, right. Zach. Even if I told someone here, Zach would have to agree to it. He wasn’t too keen on me telling Peter, and he doesn’t even know who Zach is. I didn’t even tell him Zach’s name! This secret love affair is starting to really fuck me up.

* * *

“So, you’re sure nobody’s gonna show up?” I asked him.

“Positive. No sunday practice, only after school and on saturday mornings.” Zach explained.

I let out a sigh. Zach’s big idea for us to ‘bond’ or whatever was for him to teach me how to play football. The season was almost over with one game left to go before basketball season came upon us and I had to watch that instead. Thank god it was another sport Justin played so I could still use Jess as an excuse to go to the games.

I don’t know jackshit about football. Like, seriously. Nothing. I knew to yell and cheer when everyone else did and check if the scoreboard changed numbers on our side. I didn’t know how to play. The most I did with my dad when I was younger was catch a baseball, and that lasted like a week before my mom realized I wanted to take dance classes. So, here I am today, clueless as ever on playing sports.

“Okay, we’re gonna do some easy shit today. I’m gonna throw the ball, you’re gonna catch it!” He yelled from halfway across the field.

“But you’re so far!” I whined. “How the fuck am I supposed to catch the ball when you’re halfway across the fucking field?”

“Just try!” He said.

I put my hoodie sleeves over my hands. It’s so fucking cold out. I threw my hood on too, but more because I thought it might hurt less when the ball wound up smacking me in the head.

He twisted the ball in his hand. He stretched his arm back and then- Shit. SHIT.

“SHIT!” I yelled. The ball went right over my head as I fell back.

“You good?” He yelled.

“Yeah.” I groaned as I picked myself up.

“Okay, now throw it back!” He yelled. I laughed.

I picked up the ball and threw it as far as I could. It landed a few years in front of him. He leaned back and laughed with his hand on his stomach.

“What’s so fucking funny?” I yelled across the field. “I’d like to see you do a triple fouette, motherfucker!”

“Alright, alright. You ready?” He asked. I gave a thumbs up, getting into position.

He threw the ball again. I saw it coming further and further down towards me before-

“Holy fuck!” I yelled out. The ball hit my, well, balls. Hard. I dropped to my knees.

“Shit!” He yelled out with a laugh. He ran over to me. “Oh my god, are you okay?”

“Yeah.” I said, wincing. “Yeah, I’m good.”

I reached out a hand to be helped up. He clutched it and yanked me up. I let out a groan of pain as he walked back to the other side of the field with the football.

“Okay, one more time. You ready?”

“Uh-huh.” I said.

He threw the ball. Further and further down the field it went, peaking in the sky before coming down faster and faster. Suddenly-

“I got it!” I yelled. I caught the ball. “I caught the fucking ball! Holy shit!”

“Oh shit!” He said. He started to run to me, and I ran towards him.

I jumped up on him and he grabbed my legs as I wrapped them around his body. I planted a kiss on his lips. He put me down.

“Incredible. Incredible!” He said.

“Right!” I said excitedly. I couldn’t tell if he was being sarcastic, but I didn’t care. That big goofy smile on his face was all I needed.

That moment was fun. It was nice… sweet. Happy. But the moment to come the next day, the feeling on that very monday morning, would haunt me forever.

* * *

I walked through the halls, alone today. I thought I might catch Zach by his locker, but he never came. I heard my phone ding.

 _Jessica:_ where r u

 _Me:_ by my locker, y??

 _Jessica:_ u didnt see?

 _Me:_ see what???

I hurried to my locker so she wouldn’t know I was lying. When I got there, I stood for a minute when I finally spotted her rushing to meet me.

“Did you check twitter this morning?” She said as she placed her hand on my arm softly.

“No, I woke up late, I didn’t have time. What did I miss?”

“Alex…” She said softly. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Tell you what?” I said with wide eyes. I took out my phone and hit the twitter icon. I followed basically the whole school on twitter. All the drama was very eventful sometimes. But I saw it immediately. The whole school had either liked or retweeted it. I felt my heart drop to my stomach. I felt dizzy. “I have to go.”

“Wait, Alex!” She said, but it was too late. I already walked out of the back doors and ran to my car.

No, no, no, no, no. This can’t be fucking happening. Who would do this? Who was running that account? I felt like I was gonna be sick. And yet I pulled out my phone to look at it again.

It was a picture of me and Zach. It was from yesterday, when we were on the football field. When I caught the ball. When we ran to each other. When I jumped and wrapped my legs around him. When we kissed. When our lips touched, and we fucking kissed. I opened imessage.

 _Me:_ zach?

The red exclamation point popped up. Failed to deliver? Oh my god. Did he block me? No, no. He wouldn’t. I tried again.

 _Me:_ ??

It popped up again. I felt awful. I mean, people are suspected I was gay, but Zach? He was living a perfect double life. He had a gorgeous girlfriend, his team and friends, me for god’s sake. But it was all coming down. I don’t know how to describe the feeling when everything in your life comes crashing down within seconds. He’s never gonna speak to me again.

I’ve lost him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im so sorry for the wait, i have literally no wifi where i am right now. every 2 seconds my page would reload. sorry!! hope you enjoyed the very late chapter, i'll promise to upload more as soon as i'm home where the wifi doesnt suck ass.
> 
> comments and kudos are always appreciated, and/or contact me at @unsaidfoley on twitter.


	15. Chapter 15

I watch as Courtney and her friends put up flyers for the winter formal. It had been about a month and a half since the picture came out. Everyone could tell it was me, but Zach managed to convince everyone it wasn’t him in the picture. See, if I tried to do that, I’d get laughed at. But big-jock-man Zach Dempsey does it, people don’t have a choice but to believe him or the whole basketball team is after them. And most of the football boys play basketball too.

Oh, right. Football season ended. I missed the last game, but I heard we won. Yay, I guess. Basketball season came around, and I haven’t been to a single game. I was too pissed at Zach. I couldn’t believe he just blocked my number, and not only that, but now he was being a dick in school. Not just to me, either. I guess his way of going deeper into the closet was to turn into his asshole friends. He turned into me before we started hooking up. When I was the asshole.

It still wasn’t fair. After all we’ve done, all we’ve _had_. He just leaves it all behind, and for what? Popularity? Fuck that. I don’t need that kind of bullshit in my life.

I think about when I told Jessica…

* * *

I was sitting in my room. The picture had ruined my life just a few hours earlier, and I had ditched school as a result of it. The end of the school day came about, and I had been sitting in the same position in bed all day; leaning on my right side, hand under my head, and legs curled so I was in a fetal position. I had been staring out the window the entire day just… thinking. I continued to stare when I saw a car pull into the driveway.

Jessica. Of course she was going to show up. She stepped out of the car, alone, walking to the front door. She didn’t even knock or ring the bell, just unlocked the door and walked right in. I forgot I gave her a key. I heard her come up the stairs before she opened my door. I couldn’t even manage to turn and look her in the eyes. She sat on my bed and sighed.

“You know you can tell me things, right?” She said. I stayed silent. “Alex, we’ve been friends our whole lives. We’ve danced together, got our drivers licenses together, got our first cars together, helped each other when the other was hurt. God, you were there for me when Justin was hurt. Why did you think you couldn’t tell me? Were you scared I would judge you? I would never. Especially something like this, I’d never make you feel bad about it. I love you for you, Alex.”

I sighed. “I’m sorry.”

She moved closer to me on the bed and put her hand on my leg. “No, don’t be sorry. You don’t need to be sorry.”

“I just… didn’t want anyone to know. And neither did he.”

“Who? Zach?”

“Yeah.” I said as I picked myself up and turned to her. I sniffled.

“I wouldn’t have told anyone. Not even Justin.”

“Jess…My parents don’t even know.” My voice cracked.

“Oh, Alex.” She said as she leaned in to hug me.

I felt a single tear roll down my cheek but ignored it. I wasn’t keen on breaking down in front of people, even if it was my best friend. Peter was one thing, but I didn’t have to face him everyday. I don’t think I’ve ever really cried in front of Jessica. Nothing too traumatic has really happened for me to _really_ cry in front of her.

I sniffled and wiped my face. “Does Justin know?”

“Yeah, he figured it out. I’m sorry. He wanted to come with me after school but I told him not to. It was a dance friends only event?”

“For sure.” I smiled. We laughed. “I wish I knew how Zach was doing.”

“He’ll be okay.” She reassured me. “And you will be too.”

* * *

Yeah, I was fine. I was fucking pissed, but I was fine. I missed him though. I missed the feelings, the cuddling, the dancing, the hot, hot sex. I missed his warm body against mine. But whatever, it’s fine, I’m fine. I can live without him.

I’m walking down the hallway when I see him. He hasn’t even made eye contact with me since it happened. What was that about? I look at him. He looks at me.

Oh my god. He looks at me. He looked at me. What the fuck? Why now? I’m done with this shit. Is it over or not, Zach? We can’t do this again. No, not again. I’m not doing the bantering until we decide to fuck one more time thing. I hated him. And I guess he hated me too. But isn’t hate-sex the best kind of sex? That’s what I’ve heard from shows and movies and such. Shit, now I can’t stop thinking about it. Fuck me.

I found him by his car that day after school, about to step inside. I grabbed his shoulder and spun him around.

“What the fuck?” I said. “Why have you been ignoring me?”

“Dude, not here. Get in the fucking car before someone sees us.”

I did as he asked. “So-”

“Not here.” He said as he started driving.

* * *

We arrived in the middle of nowhere twenty minutes later. My heart was racing while Zach kept an angry look on his face. He parked the car and let out a harsh sigh. Suddenly, I felt his lips smash into mine. It wasn’t like it usually was, or used to be. More passion, more fire, more _hate_.

“No, no.” I pulled away. “What is this? You can’t ignore me for a month and then just take me to the middle of nowhere and start kissing me!”

“You want me to stop?” He said, out of breath.

I paused and stared. “Well… no.”

He proceeded to kiss me again. Not kissing, no. There was no word to describe the furious way he was making out with me. I pulled my shirt over my head and he did the same. He pushed me down and got on top of me. I pushed him off again.

“What now?” He asked.

“Tell me you feel something for me. Tell me that I’m not just some random hookup that you’re gonna forget about in two years when you’re away at college. I’m not a piece of meat, Zach! I’m a person, and I deserve better than this.”

He stopped to think. I moved so I was sitting upright in the seat and he shifted into the same position. He let out a deep sigh.

“Then maybe we should just stop forever. I’m just not ready to tell anyone about me. Who I am.”

“You can’t hide forever.”

“It won’t be forever. It just won’t be now, either.”

“Well, when you’re ready, you know where to find me.”

He gave a smile so small I could barely see it. But, even if it was the tiniest smile for a split second, it was the greatest thing.

* * *

Ah, saturday night. Nothing going on, per usual. Before, I’d be doing it with Zach at one of our houses and having the time of my life. Now, I sit on my couch watching tv. It was kind of sad. Not kind of, it was just sad. Wow. It’s the way that my whole life was flipped upside down twice by the same boy that makes me the most confused boy in the world.

It was insane. And it was all my fault, too. If I hadn’t kissed him back that rainy monday night, none of this would’ve happened. We both would’ve continued our normal lives and I’d still be a very normal boy. I’d be secretive, on edge, clueless, but I’d be normal. Instead, I had to like this big goofy man that I’d never get back. I had to live with the fact that all that happiness and joy I got from being with him was gone forever.

Both of my parents were working tonight, leaving me alone. All alone, until I heard a ring from the doorbell. I stood from the couch and walked over to the door. When I opened it, I saw someone I definitely wasn’t expecting.

“Hey, Alex.” He said.

“Hey, Justin.” I said awkwardly. “What are you doing here?”

“I figured you’d be doing nothing, so I wanted to take you out.”

“I’m flattered, Justin, but-”

“Not like that you dumbass. As friends. I mean, we _are_ friends last time I checked.”

I smiled and looked up as I shook my head. “I guess we are.”

“Then let’s go, into the car we go.” Justin said as he extended his hand outwards towards the car.

I walked out with a smile and an eye roll. We both got into the car and he started driving.

“So, where exactly are you taking me?”

“Well, I already went to a meeting tonight, and usually after a meeting I get dinner. Figured I’d stop by and see if you wanted to join me. And here we are, driving now, off to whatever diner you feel like hitting up tonight.”

“How about Rosie’s?”

“That’s the usual spot. Best burgers and shakes in town, if you ask me.”

“For sure.”

* * *

“What can I get you boys today?” The waitress asked us.

“I’ll take a regular burger with extra ketchup, side of fries, and a strawberry milkshake.” Justin told her.

“Same for me, but, like, a regular amount of ketchup. And vanilla for the milkshake.”

The waitress giggled. “Coming right up.” She said as she walked off.

“I have a question.” I asked.

“Anything, go for it.”

“What’s it like living with Clay?”

“Jesus, um. He can be a pain in the ass sometimes, but if it wasn’t for him I’d probably still be homeless or dead or something right now.” Justin explained. “But the whole deal with _Alien Killer Robots_ thing… kind of annoying sometimes, I’m not gonna lie.”

I laughed. “Pain in the ass and nerdy, but still a good person. Got it.”

He laughed too. “Exactly.”

Suddenly, the bell on the door jingled as someone walked inside the diner. Of course. Of fucking course. If anyone had to walk in right now, right as I’m not thinking about him for one goddamn minute, of course it was going to be Zach Dempsey. We locked eyes for a split second before he sat down at the counter and started speaking to the waitress with a smile. I watched him like a hawk as he ordered his food.

“Alex!” Justin said as he snapped his fingers in front of my face.

“Sorry, what?”

“I said, forget about him. Our milkshakes are coming, I can see the waitress on her way over here. Relax.”

“I’m relaxed. Cool as a cucumber.”

“I’ve never seen you so tense in your life.”

“Shut up.” I said quietly as the waitress put our drinks on the table.

“Your food is almost ready, should be out in a minute or two.”

“Thank you.” Justin said with a smile. He turned back to me as the waitress walked away. “Dude, seriously, chill. Just enjoy your milkshake and forget he’s even here.”

“Okay, okay.”

Soon enough, our food arrived and we dug in. I didn’t realize how hungry I was until that burger and fries were sitting in front of me. I started eating, shoving all the food in my mouth until it was all gone in five minutes. Maybe it was me wanting to get out of the room that Zach resided in. Or, shit, maybe I was just starving. But I’d bet all my money on the first one.

It wasn’t fucking fair. It wasn’t fair that he could just sit there and ruin my life. All he was doing was sitting in a diner, but he was still managing to ruin my fucking life. What’s up with that? It’s fucked up.

But maybe I liked being fucked up about him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the filler chapter, especially that it took so long to post, i've been busy as fuck. comments and kudos are appreciated and/or contact me on twitter at @unsaidfoley !!


	16. Chapter 16

Ah, the winter formal. The stupidest thing ever invented. Seriously, it’s just a bunch of sweaty teens in suits and dresses grinding on each other while the teachers drink punch and stand near the walls. You have to rent a suit, buy a dress, basically spend money on stupid. But the worst part of all, the real kicker of the whole event- finding a date. My school treats the winter formal like fucking prom. Big proposals from guys to girls asking them to be their date to the dance. I find it extremely stupid, especially when the couple is already dating. No shit you’re going to the dance together, you’re a couple. No need for a big show. It was especially annoying this year because I could’ve had a date, but he refuses to tell anyone about us. Or, formerly us.

The dance wasn’t until friday, and it was only tuesday, but it was still the only thing on my mind. Well, the big question was on my mind- to go or not to go. I don’t really want to go. I think if I go, I’ll be too depressed watching Zach dance with other people instead of me. Slow dancing with Chloe or some dumb shit like that. It’ll hurt too much.

I sat in the studio, waiting for class to begin. Lyrical today. We were cleaning up a practice piece to the song _Young and Beautiful_ by Lana Del Rey. It was just a practice piece because we didn’t start our actual recital pieces until the spring, and our competition pieces until the summer. But I wish it was one of those, recital or competition. It was very smooth, I felt like I was floating everytime I performed it. I just wish I was dancing with someone else.

He looked at me in the halls again today. I could see his gaze from the corner of my eye. I didn’t bother looking back. It was useless. It was painful. So, why bother?

He had gotten a little bigger. Not fatter, more muscley. He once told me he worked out whenever he was stressed. He must’ve been really stressed out lately, because he looked pretty different. He wasn’t too big, but his arms were squeezing through his sleeves more. He was still beautiful, though. He would always be beautiful to me.

“Okay, so, I want you guys to give me suggestions for the recital piece. What song have we not done that you want us to perform?” My teacher said.

God, there were so many. But one really stuck out right now. I raised my hand.

“Alex.” She said as she pointed at me.

I told her the name of the song. She said she had never heard it, but was going to play it now to see if she liked it. I looked it up on her phone but stopped before she was about to hit play.

“Everyone up. Listen to the music, let the lyrics and the rhythm move through you and improvise. Dance how you feel.”

We all stood. She hit play.

I started to move. The song starts out acapella, so I moved slowly. Once the single instrument started to play, I added quick moves in, but making sure to keep the majority of my moves slow. When the other, deeper voice started to sing, I increased my energy by about ten percent. His voice was raspier, making my moves harsher. I let the sound of the harmonies ring through my ears as I moved around. My legs were moving slowly as well.

When the drums kicked in, my moves became harsher and quicker. My legs moved slow but my arms moved fast, but in a way that made it all add into something beautiful. I listened as all the voices mixed and kept on moving, adding more and more energy as the song went on.

The song ended. I let out a deep breath.

“I think we found our song.”

* * *

I stepped into my car and started it. I quickly pulled my phone out of my bag and looked for a song to listen to on the drive home. I knew what I wanted to listen to. I hit play.

_I saw you looking brand new overnight, I caught you looking, too, but you didn't look twice._

Why would he look at me? Why would he torture me like that? And in front of everyone? Come on, Zach. Even you have to admit that that’s fucked up.

_Now I wish we'd never met, cause you're too hard to forget._

I wish we had never met. I wish I had chosen to go to private school or something. Or rather just not even be born. I wouldn’t be dealing with this shit.

_And I know that you don't, but if I ask you if you love me I hope you li-li-li-lie, lie to me._

If he could just tell me loved me or something. Not that I love him, but maybe if he loved me… wait. Do I love him? No, no. Fuck him. I don’t give a shit about him. Not anymore.

When I got home, I flopped onto my bed and let out a big sigh. I kicked off my shoes and picked myself up higher onto the bed. I took off my jacket and threw it on the floor before slipping my pants off and crawling deep under the covers.

God, I hate it here.

I mean, why couldn’t he have just never kissed me? Like, my life would be so much easier without him constantly on my mind. All because of one little kiss. If it weren’t for him kissing me, I would still be a fucking virgin. I’d be mad that I was still a virgin, but it would be better than this shit. Maybe I could’ve gotten it up for a girl or something, I don’t know.

But it happened. And neither of us can take that night, or any other night together, back. It happened, but now it’s over. And I need to accept that.

* * *

Me, Jessica, and Justin were on our way to the lunch room when we were stopped by Courtney. She was sitting at a table with papers all over it.

“Hey guys! The dance is in a few days, have you gotten tickets yet?” She said with a smile.

“No, not yet.” Jessica said. She walked closer to the table. “How much for three?”

“No,” I stopped her. “Just two. I’m not going.”

“Shut up, of course you’re going. You can come with us.” Jessica said.

“For sure,” Justin said. “As long as you don’t slow dance with us.”

I smiled. “Okay, fine. But I’m not staying longer than an hour.”

“Deal!” Jessica said excitedly.

“Perfect! It’s fifteen per ticket.” Courtney said happily.

“I got it.” Justin said. Ah, right. Justin was a true gentleman. He took his wallet out of his pocket, pulling out forty-five dollars.

I really didn’t wanna go. It was going to absolutely suck going in a group of me and the two lovebirds instead of you-know-who. But I liked making Jess happy, and she liked making me happy, so I just do whatever she asks and pretend to be excited about it.

After school, me and Justin agreed to go shopping for tuxedos together while Jessica went shopping for a dress with Ani. I only owned one nice outfit and it’s mainly used for funerals. Thus, we were off to rent some tuxes.

“Okay, Alex.” Justin said as we started driving his car. “I’m trusting you with something great today. And I hope you don’t break this trust.”

“And what would that be, Justin?”

He let out a sigh. “Aux.”

“Oh shit. That’s big.”

“I know. Don’t make me regret this.” He said as he handed me the cord.

I plugged it into my phone and scrolled through my playlists. I had to choose something Justin would like or my aux privileges would be revoked. I went to one of my favorite playlists. I scrolled down it, looking for something perfect to listen to on this sunny day.

I clicked on _Rejects _by 5 Seconds Of Summer.__

__“Okay, okay. Not bad, Standall.” Justin nodded. “Who is this?”_ _

__“5 Seconds Of Summer.” I said._ _

__“You’re kidding.”_ _

__“Nope.”_ _

__“Damn, I thought they were, like, a _One Direction_ type boy-band.”_ _

__“No, but I do in fact love One Direction.”_ _

__Justin turned up the volume so much I could feel the car vibrating. And with that, we were off to the mall._ _

* * *

__“Excuse me.” Justin said, walking up to one of the store workers._ _

__“How can I help you?” The man said happily._ _

__“We need to get some, like, basic tuxes. Nothing fancy, just black over white shirt, regular tie type shit.”_ _

__“What’s the occasion?”_ _

__“School dance, so nothing too fancy or expensive.” I told the guy._ _

__“Got it, we do in fact have tuxes to rent if you’re not looking to buy something. Renting for each one is about one-fifty per suit.”_ _

__“Just a minute.” Justin said, pulling me a few steps back and turning around. “I only have a hundred.”_ _

__“I got you, my dad gave me two-hundred for a tux.”_ _

__“Are you sure?” He asked me.”_ _

__“Yeah, you paid for the tickets, and for me when we got food the other day. Don’t worry about it.”_ _

__“Okay. Thanks, man.”_ _

__We turned back to the man. “What do you have?”_ _

* * *

__The next day was the day of the dance. I walked through the school, praying to god some big disastrous thing would happen to prevent me from having to go. Like, if someone in my family were to get violently sick, I’d like it to be now please._ _

__“It’s gonna be fun, Alex. You need to relax.” Jessica said as we sat down. I had been complaining all day about not wanting to go._ _

__“That’s what you say, but I guarantee it will be the most boring shit in the world.”_ _

__“You don’t know that.” Jessica tried to reassure me._ _

__“You underestimate how much fun I can be at a school dance.” Justin added._ _

__“Oh yeah? And what fun does that include?”_ _

__“You know, um…” He paused. “I don’t know yet. I mean, I used to just get drunk and have some fun but, you know, can’t do that anymore.”_ _

__“Can’t or won’t?” Jessica asked seriously._ _

__“Both, both.” Justin reassured her._ _

__“Well I for one do not enjoy alcohol. It tastes like actual garbage mixed with rubbing alcohol.”_ _

__“Good, keep that mindset.” Justin told me._ _

__“So, now what?” I asked. “What is this night going to bring me, huh? It’s gonna be a bunch of sweaty kids in the gym, jumping around getting smellier and smellier by the minute.”_ _

__“Don’t you jump and sweat almost every day of the week?”_ _

__“Yeah, but it’s different.”_ _

__“How?”_ _

__I mean… shit. “Shut up.”_ _

* * *

__I stood in front of the mirror, tying my tie around my neck. _Sign Of The Times_ by Harry Styles played on my laptop as I threw on my suit jacket. I heard a knock on my door._ _

__“Come in.” I said loudly._ _

__My dad opened the door. “Wow. Look at you, dressed all nice.”_ _

__“I guess.”_ _

__“Listen, kiddo. You’ll have fun, promise. If you wanna come home early, then whatever. If not, just… make the most of it. High school doesn’t last forever.”_ _

__“I know.” I said._ _

__“Alright. Have fun, Alex.” My dad said, shutting the door behind him as he left._ _

__I mean, was he wrong? High school would eventually end, and then what? College will be a blast, I’m sure of it, but high school? These are the years of discovering myself. Figuring out who I am. If I wait until college, who knows what’ll happen to me? I can’t do nothing forever. I can’t be a little hermit who only goes to school and dance my entire life. I’m a teenager, a junior in high school._ _

__It’s time I start acting like it._ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the long wait, i haven't been great mentally so i find myself struggling to update. promise the next chapter will be worth it. as always, comments and kudos are always appreciated, and/or you can contact me at @unsaidfoley on twitter for any suggestions or concerns.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it helps if you play the song while he does.

I hopped into my car, buckling myself in after I taking a seat in the driver’s seat. I take a breath. What am I doing here? I’m going to a place that I don’t want to go to. I’m sitting in my car, about to go to school for the second time today. Why is that? Oh, right. I’m being forced to go to a fucking dance. I dance almost every single day of the fucking week, but as soon as I wanna opt out, I can’t. How is that fair? Jessica, sometimes, I can’t stand you.

I start the engine and head off to the worst place on earth.

* * *

“Alex! Over here!” I hear Jess yell. I turned my head after stepping out of my now parked car to see Jess standing with Justin. She’s waving her hand up, trying to get me over quicker.

“You can stop waving, I see you.” I shout. She starts waving more aggressively as a comeback. I walk over to her.

“Well damn, Alex. You clean up nicely.” She says as she looks me up and down.

“Woah, what happened to our matching tuxes?” Justin asked.

“Yeah, I liked this shirt better than the plain white one.” I told him. The shirt I wound up wearing was a dark blue-green button up with bunches of flowers all over it. I still put on my tie and jacket, though.

“Well, you know what? I like it.” Justin reassured me.

“Why thank you.” I told him.

“Alright, boys. Who’s ready to have some fun?” Jessica said as she linked her arms with ours, standing in between us as she started walking to the entrance of the gym.

When we stepped inside, it was actually pretty nice. The gym was lit up with blue and purple lights. There was some radio pop song playing through the speakers that stood on the rented stage at the end of the gym. Kids were scattered across the floor, moving their bodies to the music.

Suddenly, Ani and Clay appeared next to us.

“Ani! You look gorgeous!” Jess said as she looked Ani up and down.

Ani did the same to Jess. “Jessica, shut up, you look even more fantastic!”

The two of them talked while me, Clay, and Justin awkwardly talked.

“Well, you two clean up nicely.” Clay said.

“Well, It’s all for the misses.” Justin said in a funny accent.

“I didn’t even wanna come, let alone dress nice. So, basically, Jess is first up on my hit list.”

Clay laughed. “I just so happen to relate completely to that.”

We stood around for a few seconds before the girls snapped back into reality.

“We should dance!” Jessica said.

“Really?” I said.

“Come on, man. What else is there to do?” Justin said as Jessica pulled him to the center of the gym where the other kids were jumping and swaying to the music. I rolled my eyes and followed them.

And there we were. At first, I hated it. I smiled at Jess as she grooved around the dance floor with Justin. Justin took her hands and spun her around. She giggled. Soon enough, I stepped in and started moving with them. Jessica had this huge smile on her face that I couldn’t not stare at. She was happy. I looked at Justin. He was smiling too. They were having fun. They were being teenagers. I wanted to do that.

I started moving my body to the song.

_Feeling good, like I should, went and took a walk around the neighborhood…_

I listened to the beat as I started to bop my head. Then, I swayed my head around, letting the music start to take over.

_Feeling blessed, never stressed, got that sunshine on my sunday best…_

I let my shoulders start to roll and my forearms rise to my chest as I tightly swung them side to side.

It was fun. I wasn’t getting stared at or anything, everyone was minding their own business and having fun too. I was a teenager, in this moment, I was just a kid having fun. Finally. I hadn’t felt this free since I was with… well, his name shall remain unsaid.

All of the sudden, the music came to a stop. The sea of teenagers looked around and questioned what was happening. Suddenly, someone hopped onto the stage and jogged to the middle. He grabbed the microphone as he scanned the crowd.

This has to be a joke. I can’t have one fucking night? Of course, of course he fucking ruins it. He ruined my life twice, why is he still going? Is it fun for him? I really don’t understand what I did to deserve this shit.

He started to speak. “Hey guys, it’s me. Zach Dempsey.” I rolled my eyes. “Um, you all are probably wondering why I’m up here speaking to you guys. I wanted to tell a little story. This story, though, isn’t just about me. It’s about the person I fell in love with.”

What? Chloe, you must be some god-sent to deserve this.

“I’m sure you all think you know who it is, but I can tell you right now, you don’t. That’s because the whole thing was a secret. We had fun, me and this person. We hung out, spent nights together, I even danced with this person.”

The crowd started to awe. Not to sound conceited, but is he talking about _me?_

“But the story doesn’t end well. See, our relationship took a turn. I didn’t know how to handle it, so I shut them out. Blocked them on everything, ignored them in the halls, no contact whatsoever. And tonight, I stand on this stage, trying my best to say sorry.”

Sucks to suck, Zach. Too little, too late. What the hell even is this?

“So I’m going to sing a song. If you didn’t know, I play the piano. I’ve been playing for years, actually. So this song goes out to that one special person in the crowd.”

He started to walk over to the piano when someone shouted, “Who is it?”

Zach took a deep breath as he walked back to the microphone.

“This song goes out to Alex Standall.”

I felt my eyes widen as the crowd let out a collective gasp. Suddenly, all eyes were on me. What did he do? What do _I_ do? I started to shake. Zach positioned the microphone so he could sing while playing the keyboard.

* * *

_I'm in my bed, and you're not here, and there's no one to blame but the drink and my wandering hands._

_Forget what I said, it's not what I meant, and I can't take it back I can't unpack the baggage you left_

_What am I now? What am I now? What if I'm someone I don't want around?_

_I'm falling again, I'm falling again, I'm falling._

_What if I'm down? What if I'm out? What if I'm someone you won't talk about?_

_I'm falling again, I'm falling again, I'm falling._

_You said you cared, and you missed me too, and I'm well aware I write too many songs about you._

_And the coffee's out, at the Beachwood Café, and it kills me 'cause I know we've run out of things we can say._

_What am I now? What am I now? What if I'm someone I don't want around?_

_I'm falling again, I'm falling again, I'm falling._

_What if I'm down? What if I'm out? What if I'm someone you won't talk about?_

_I'm falling again, I'm falling again, I'm falling._

_And I get the feeling that you'll never need me again_

_What am I now? What am I now? What if you're someone I just want around?_

_I'm falling again, I'm falling again, I'm falling_

_What if I'm down? What if I'm out? What if I'm someone you won't talk about?_

_I'm falling again, I'm falling again, I'm falling._

* * *

The crowd was silent. I didn’t know how to feel. What do I do or say? I mean, I know what I want to do, but… no. That’s a little too much. What would everyone say? This isn’t some early 2000s teen romance movie. This is real life.

But maybe I didn’t like real life. Maybe I wanted a movie moment.

I started walking. Faster and faster until I reached the stage. I put my hands on the stage and jumped, lifting myself onto it and picking myself up so I was standing in front of him.

God, Zach. You managed to steal my heart, break it into a million pieces, and then steal it one more time.

He put his hands on my cheeks as I stared up at him. He looked like he was trying to say something, but struggling to get the words out. Suddenly, his lips were on mine, and we were kissing. Yup, kissing. In front of the whole school. I thought I would be more scared, but in reality, I was more careless than I had ever been in my life. Because I finally had him back.

He pulled away.

“Do you forgive me?” He asked.

“I forgive you.” I answered.

I heard slow claps from the crowd. A few small claps turned into applause from the whole sea of children. Not a single person wasn’t happy for us. We turned to the crowd and smiled. Then, Zach grabbed my hand as he jumped off the stage, leading me with him to the ground.

“You ready?” He asked.

“I’ve never been so ready in my life.” I responded.

And with that, the world slowed down. He tightened the grip on my hand as he started to run. The crowd moved so there was a clear path for us to exit the gym. I felt my hair blowing around as we quickly ran out of the building and into the parking lot. We ran, hand in hand, all the way to Zach’s car. I slid into the passenger’s seat as he ran around to the driver’s seat. He started the car and sped out of the spot, speeding all the way back to his house.

Once we reached his doorstep, he busted open the door, pulling me inside.

“No one’s gonna be home until Sunday night.”

“That’s amazing.” I said.

He grabbed my shirt, yanking me closer to him. So close, I could feel his breath on my face. He kissed me, hard. I put my arms on his shoulder, slowly wrapping my arms around his neck. He put his hands on my ass. I jumped up and he caught me as I wrapped my legs around his lower torso. He carried me as we kissed all the way to his room. He threw me on the bed. We both quickly took our clothes off before he climbed on top of me.

“I’ve been anticipating this moment for a little while now.” Zach said to me.

“I didn’t think this would ever happen again.”

“Honestly, me neither. Something just… came over me not too long ago, so I practiced the song, and told the dj I wanted to sing a song. He said it was fine, he wanted a break anyway, so he let me.”

“Was it worth it?”

“Every second.”

And with that being said, we carried on. For a while. Hell, all night. We didn’t care who said what about us being together. It was just us and the world tonight. All night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> were you expecting that? i hope not, lol. as always, comments and kudos are always appreciated, and/or you can contact me at @unsaidfoley on twitter.


	18. Chapter 18

“What if we ran away together?”

“And do what?”

“I don’t know, get married in Vegas. We could get easy jobs and live in a small apartment together.”

“And what are we telling our parents?”

“Um… I’ll say I knocked you up or something.”

I punched him lightly in his side as we laughed. He had his arm wrapped around me as we laid in his bed, completely undressed. We hadn’t slept, just stayed up all night. At first it was just fun and games, but then things got a little more… fun. We joked about running away together, maybe living in a small town and getting fun jobs. I told him I was too focused on a future in dance for that. He laughed.

“Maybe we could both go to college on the east coast. I could get a football scholarship and you could show everyone how amazingly talented you are. We could still be together after everything.”

I smiled at the idea. Living with him, this being more than a stupid high school relationship. Maybe we have a future together. Maybe.

“Hey, can I… talk to you about something?” I asked him.

He turned his head downwards to face me. “Anything.”

I knew that smile wouldn’t last too long. “Do you really not remember that night?”

“What night?” He said, confused.

I sat up. “The night on the rooftop.”

He sat up, too, with a sigh. He paused for a second. He looked… sad.

“Yeah, I do.”

Now _I_ was sad. “You know you can talk to me when you feel like that?”

“I know, I know. At the time, though… I didn’t know. I got really shitfaced and, I don’t know, I just called the first person that I thought deserved a goodbye if I didn’t survive.”

“I’m glad you’re alive.” I told him.

“Thanks. And thanks for saving me. I feel like you were the only person to care enough to save me like that.”

“That’s not true. Justin cares about you, Coach Kerba cares about you, your mom and sister care about you.”

“I know. It just didn’t feel like it. If I’m being honest, I don’t even know if it feels like it now.”

I looked at him, worry spread across my face. If he died, I don’t know what I’d do. I’d have to die with him or something.

“Zach, I can’t live without you.” I told him honestly.

“I’m sorry. I brought down the mood.” He said, looking down.

I put my hands on his cheeks. He switched his direction to look at me. I brought him in quickly and planted a kiss on his lips. He kissed me back, and we stayed kissing for a few seconds. I pulled away, my face still close to his.

“I love you.” I said.

He looked taken aback before his expression turned soft. “I love you too.”

I smiled, pulling him in for another kiss. It was true love. I was in love with him. Truely, madly, deeply, in love. I couldn’t help myself. He was just so… perfect. After the dance, I knew he was it. He was my _person_. He was the one who took care of me. And, yeah, we had a rough patch. But doesn’t every relationship have bumps in the road sometimes? It was fine. Everything now was okay.

For now.

* * *

I woke up to Zach shaking me.

“Come on, Alex. Wake up!” He yelled.

I opened my eyes slowly. “What… What’s going on?” I said groggily.

“Jessica just called. It’s Justin.” He said, practically jumping off the bed and rushing to get dressed. I quickly sat up.

“What? What happened?” I asked.

“I don’t know, she called you, like, a hundred times. I picked up and she was crying and said she didn’t know what to do but Justin was in trouble and needed us.” He said, frantically looking for a shirt. “We need to go, come on!”

I got up as fast as I could and got dressed even faster. Zach grabbed his keys as we ran out the door and jumped into his car. I called Jess to find out exactly where we were going.

“Alex?” She picked up. “Is that you?”

“Yeah, what’s wrong?”

“It’s Justin,” She choked. “H-He…”

“Jessica, what happened?”

“Just come, quickly!” She yelled.

“Come where?” I asked as Zach started his car.

“We’re almost there, baby. Please, stay with me.” She cried.

“Jessica, where are you.” I said sternly.

“The hospital.”

* * *

Me and Zach reached the hospital after ten minutes of speeding through the town. It was nearly three in the morning, so the roads were clear. I was too scared to even think about a cop pulling us over. Thankfully, no one did.

We jumped out of the car and ran in through the front doors. Immediately, we saw Jessica sitting in the waiting area, sobbing.

“Jessica!” I yelled out. She looked up before jumping out of her seat and running over to hug me.

“What happened?” Zach asked.

“Justin, He…”

“He what?” I asked her. She started to cry again. I grabbed her by the shoulders and gave her a shake.

“Do you remember Seth?”

“Meth Seth?” Me and Zach said in sync.

“Yeah. Justin had some business with him, he told me to stay in bed but I couldn’t leave him alone. I followed him into this alleyway and that’s when I hid and listened. They were saying shit about drugs and Justin owing him money, and then I heard it.”

“Heard what?” I asked.

“Justin. He yelled out, and then there was a gunshot. I turned the corner and he was lying on the ground, bleeding out. I didn’t know what to do so I called you, and Zach answered, I tried to tell him what happened but I just… I just…”

“It’s okay. We’re here. I got you.” I told her. I pulled her in for a hug. I felt her shaking in my arms. “It’s all going to be okay.”

We were quiet for a minute. It felt like the world was breaking, our world. I’ve known Justin for years. I know what he’s been through, and if his story ends like this… I can’t imagine how I’d react, let alone how Jess would react.

“Where is he now?” Zach asked. I let go of Jessica.

“I don’t know. I dragged him in here, he was barely conscious and he was bleeding everywhere. All the nurses looked up and yelled for doctors and then they just took him away on a gernie and I’ve been sitting here ever since. It’s been, like, half an hour, I just wanna know if he’s okay.” She said, another tear rolling down her cheek.

“It’s okay, Jess.” I told her.

I walked up to the nurse’s station. “Can you give us literally anything on Justin Foley?”

“I’m sorry, I’m only allowed to give his information out to family.”

I turned around. “Call Clay.”

Zach pulled out his phone and clicked on Clay’s number.

“Clay! It’s Zach… yeah, whatever. Look, you need to wake up your parents and get to the hospital right now… that’s why I’m calling you… we don’t know, they won’t tell us anything until family gets here… just hurry.” I overheard Zach say on the phone before hanging up. “They’ll be here soon.” He told us.

“Okay. Now, let’s sit down, relax, try to think positively.” I said, leading Jess to the chairs.

“How am I supposed to stay calm and think positively? He got shot! He got fucking shot, and all I did was scream and cry.”

“No, Jess. You picked him up and drove him all the way here. You kept him alive, and you did it all by yourself. You’re allowed to be upset, you’re not weak for being upset. You did everything you could.”

She let out a breath. “I’m so tired.”

“Do you wanna take a nap?” I asked her.

“No. I just need coffee.” She said.

“I’ll get you a cup.”

I walked over to the coffee machine at the end of the hall when I saw Zach standing next to me.

“Alex…” He said.

“What’s up?”

“What are we going to do? I mean, Jessica is a fucking mess right now, Justin is my best friend and I don’t even know how to feel right now. What do we do?”

I let out a sigh. “I don’t know. I just… don’t know.”

Suddenly, the Jensen’s rushed in through the front doors.

“Where is he?” Mrs.Jensen yelled. Her husband grabbed her arm.

“Honey-” Mr.Jensen started. She ripped her arm away from his grip.

“No! Don’t honey me right now.” She told him. She ran over to the nurse’s station and repeated herself. “Where is he?”

“Who are you looking for ma’am?” The nurse at the desk asked.

“Justin. Justin Foley. Justin _Jensen_. Whatever his name was put in as. Please, where is my son?”

“He’s in surgery right now, the doctor will be out with updates as soon as possible. Please fill these out.” The nurse handed her a clipboard of papers. “Someone will be out shortly to update you.”

Clay walked over to me, Zach, and Jessica. “What happened?”

Jessica explained the story. Clay’s eyes widened. He couldn’t speak, he just slowly backed up, looking like he was in denial.

“W-What? How… How? I mean, why? Why did he do this? Why does he keep putting himself in danger?”

We couldn’t answer him. Nobody knew why Justin did what he did. Why any of us did anything we did. We’re all teens, we do stupid things like confess our love for each other on the stage at a high school dance in front of our entire class. But Justin was different. He was different, so different and complex to the point of nobody getting why he did what he did. Still, I didn’t expect him to die like this.

I found myself praying in that waiting room. Justin was there for me when Jessica couldn’t be and before Zach’s time. I didn’t approve of him at first, but once I saw the good guy he really is, I knew I could trust him almost as much as I did Jessica. I knew he had been going through things, but I thought once the Jensens adopted him he was in the clear. Why did he do this?

Hours and hours went by before a doctor finally came out. It was sunrise when the Jensens were told they could see him. Unfortunately, only they were allowed to go into the ICU to see him. They told us to go home, get some sleep, and come back when he woke up, but we couldn’t. How were we supposed to just go home and sleep after all this? It was impossible to sleep a wink.

Soon enough, our parents showed up.

“Oh my god, Alex. Are you okay?” My mom said as she speed walked over to me.

“Yeah, yeah. I wasn’t there.” I said. She pulled me in for a hug.

“Jessica, honey.” Jessica’s dad said as he walked over to her. “What happened?”

“I don’t know.” She said, choking up. They walked over to the other side of the room to talk.

Even Zach’s mom showed up with his sister. “Zach, oh god, what happened?”

Our parents were freaking out almost as much as we were. What could we tell them? Justin was involved in a shooting, but we weren’t there except for Jessica who witnessed the whole thing and is now traumatized. We didn’t know if he was even okay or if he was going to be okay, and the only thing we can do is sit here and watch the world crash down.

It was all crashing down.

* * *

“Alright guys, easy class today. We’re going back to the basics.” Amy said. Me and the other ballet students spread across the room in three rows.

It felt weird to have Jessica miss class. She was in such a depressed state seeing Justin in recovery. She was only allowed to see him a few times a week, and it was killing her. She hadn’t shown up to school since it happened that Friday night. She’s barely even spoken to me. I was worried about her.

I tried to focus on the music. With all the insane shit going on, this was the one thing I knew I could count on.

_Pique, relevé, plié, relevé…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys!! sorry for taking so long to update, ive been extremely busy. i hope u all enjoyed this tragic chapter, and i'll try my best to keep updating whenever i can. as always, comments and kudos are always appreciated, and/or u can contact me at @unsaidfoley on twitter!!


	19. Chapter 19

Justin was doing better. It had been a few weeks since the incident, and things still weren’t normal. They were getting there, but they weren’t at all the same. Who knows if they ever would be?

I’ve gone with Jess to see him a few times, but it was just… sad. I don’t know how to explain it other than that. Things were just weird. All around, insanely and incredibly fucking weird. I didn’t even know how to act. Not around Jessica, my family, and especially Justin. What do you say to a guy who's been shot by his mom’s junkie boyfriend? Sorry? I just tried to shut my mouth around him as much as I could. He mostly just sat with Jess and they talked, leaving me to awkwardly sit on my phone until one of them tries to fit me into the conversation. Like I said, weird.

But even with all this shit going on with Justin in the hospital, my biggest concern was Zach. He was extremely weird all the time. He barely spoke to me anymore, and that includes texts. He was suddenly always dry with me. But I didn’t know why. And, of course, he wouldn’t talk to me. The only time he expressed his deep feelings and thoughts was when he was shit-faced drunk, but he refuses to go to any parties, so that’s a bust.

I need to get inside his head. I need to know what’s bothering him so much. It’s killing me seeing him like this. If I knew how to fix it, I’d do anything. All I want is to see him happy again. All I want is for everything to go back to normal. I’m sick of seeing Zach sad all the time, I’m sick of only getting to see Justin in a hospital room instead of in his car. I’m sick of barely seeing Jessica in dance. And holy shit, I’m sick of these pills.

I forgot to mention, these fucking pills will be the death of me. I constantly forget to take them, leaving me awake and question why in the world I’m still awake. By the time I even realize I haven’t taken them, I only have around two hours before I have to get up and get ready for school. I know, I should just set an alarm to take them. I just feel so fucking stupid for having to take them at all. I know it’s normal for people to take some kind of medication, nobody’s perfect, but it still makes me feel… weird. God, everything is just so fucking weird.

And I don’t even know how to stop it.

* * *

It was late at night. Okay, it was like eleven. But that’s pretty late for someone who gets ready at six every morning. I pulled out my phone and started scrolling on Instagram. Selfie, selfie, selfie, ad, selfie. I hate Instagram. But it’s so addicting. I went to my explore page. Ah, yes. My favorites. Slime poking and soap cutting videos. They’re the best things to watch to just relax and not think about your problems for once. I was addicted to them.

Suddenly, I got a call. It was Zach. I clicked on the green button to accept it.

“Hey.” He said over the phone.

“Hi.” I answered.

“I, um…” He froze. I heard a sigh.

“What is it?”

He paused. “I miss you.”

I felt like I was about to melt like the witch at the end of The Wizard Of Oz. “I miss you too.”

He was silent again. I didn’t know what was going on. Suddenly, I heard a sniffle. He sighed. “Oh, God.”

“What’s wrong?”

“I don’t know.”

“Okay, I’m on my way.”

“Okay.”

I hung up the phone. Luckily, both of my parents were working late. I could easily slip out of the house to see why Zach was so upset. I got into my car and headed to his house.

When I got there, the atmosphere felt… different. Weird. Nobody was home. I got out of my car and jogged up to the front door. I knocked twice. No answer. I knocked again. Still nothing. I turned the doorknob to see it was unlocked. I walked in slowly, quietly shutting the door behind me.

“Zach?” I said. “Zach!” I said a little louder. I started to get a little scared. I speed-walked over to his room. I opened the door to see his eyes half closed with a bottle of vodka next to him on the bed.

“Oh, hey.” He said.

“What happened? What’s wrong?”

“What do you mean?”

“Zach, I heard you crying over the phone.”

“Oh. Sorry.”

“No, no. I don’t care that you were crying, I care that you called me here and instead of being sad or whatever, you’re day drinking. What’s up with you?”

“What’s up with _you?_ ” He laughed. I smacked my arms against my legs before turning away from him, about to storm out of the room. “No, wait!”

I turned back around. “What, Zach?”

“Come here.”

I walked over to him. “What?”

“I’m sorry.” He sighed. “I’m sorry that I’m not, like, the cool guy you fell in love with.”

“You’re still the cool guy, you’ve just… changed. And not in a good way. Why won’t you just talk to me?”

“I don’t know. It’s weird. Everything’s just so fucking weird, I can’t handle it anymore.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean… I don’t know, maybe if I left or something then things would go back to normal…”

“Zach, what the hell are you talking about right now?”

“I don’t know.”

“Me neither!”

“Don’t yell.”

“Okay. Sorry.”

It went silent. What am I doing here? Like, seriously. I’m not gonna be like those girls in my school who just let their boyfriends drink and do stupid shit while they just sit around and look pretty for them. I’m not gonna do that. That’s not who I am.

“Get up.” I told him sternly.

“What?” He said, confused.

“Get up!” I said louder.

“Why?”

“Because. I’m not gonna let you sit here like a piece of shit, drowning out your feelings with alcohol. I love you, Zach. Which is why I can’t let you waste away your life like this.”

He just looked at me, not moving.

“Get. Up.” I yelled.

He slowly pulled the covers off himself and climbed out of bed. He stumbled over to me.

“What now?” He asked.

“Now we get some water in you. Let’s go.”

He followed me into the kitchen where I made him chug a bottle of water from the fridge. I led him to the table where he could sit down so he wouldn’t fall.

“Now, talk to me. Please.”

“I don’t know. I just… I can’t even visit him, you know? He’s my best friend, and I can’t even bring myself to see him. I mean, what if he dies? What if he dies, and I didn’t even visit him once?” He said sadly.

“He is not going to die.” I said. “But you should see him. He’s doing a lot better.”

“I know. It’s just… last time I was in that hospital, I was holding hands with my dad as he died. I can’t go back there, I just can’t.”

“Yes you can. I know you can. I’ll come with you.”

“Alex, seriously, I can’t.”

“Zach, seriously, you can.”

“You don’t get it. You didn’t sit in that room, watching as your dad slowly stopped breathing. You didn’t hear the monitor beeps crash together to one long beep, meaning you’ve lost the most important person in your life.”

I didn’t know how to react. He was right, I didn’t know what it was like. I’m glad I don’t. I don’t know what I’d do if my dad died. I’d probably never leave my house again. I’d never sleep again.

“You’re right. I don’t. But I know that you can do this, because nobody’s dying. Your best friend is in there, waiting for his best friend to show up and help him. He’s not gonna die, and neither are you.”

He paused for a minute before letting out a deep sigh.

“Okay.”

* * *

Later that night, when Zach was finally sober, we drove to the hospital together. I must’ve reassured him a dozen times, telling him that everything was gonna be okay. We walked into the hospital room to see Jessica sitting with Justin, both of them laughing. They must’ve heard the footsteps because as soon as we stepped in, the two of them turned to us.

“Hey!” Justin said to Zach. “Long time no see man!”

Zach smiled. “For real. I’m sorry I didn’t come sooner, it’s just-”

“It’s cool. For real, don’t worry about it.”

Zach walked over to Jessica who stood up to give him her seat. Zach sat down and the two boys got to talking. Jessica came to me and we walked out of the room.  
Me and Jessica sat in the waiting room of the hospital while the other two boys talked. The two of us talked about endless nonsense for a while, waiting for Zach to come out.

She seemed to be doing better. Now that Justin was starting to get better, her sadness had decreased significantly. It was good to see her back on her feet a little bit. Of course, she’d never be the same. She watched the love of her life get shot right before her eyes. If that happened to me, I wouldn’t know how to go back to normal life either. She was stronger than I ever could be or ever would be.

After about half an hour, Zach finally walked out of the room. He looked a lot happier.

“How did it go?” I asked.

“Good, good. Great, actually.” He said with a small smile.

“Awesome.”

“Yeah. He wants to see you.”

“Me?” I asked, confused.

“Yup, you.”

I was extremely confused at this. I mean, yeah, I was friends with Justin. But what could he possibly want to say to _me?_ We were really only friends through Jess, I don’t really get why he’d want to speak to me of all people. I slowly got up and walked into his room.

“Alex!” Justin said with a smile.

“Hey Justin.” I said awkwardly.

“Come, sit.” He told me, tilting his head towards the chair next to his bed.

I walked over to the chair and took a seat.

“So… why did you ask to see me?”

“Because. I know I’m getting better and I’ll be out of here soon enough, but until then… I need you to take care of Jess.”

I gave him a confused look. “What do you mean?”

“I mean, like… she’s always here. And I love that, don’t get me wrong. She’s the love of my life, I couldn’t ask for anyone better to spend this time with me. But, I don’t know, she needs to do stuff. You know? Like, I hate how my life has fucked up hers. It’s not fair that she’s missing out on having fun with you and everyone else just because I’m stuck here.”

I felt bad. “I don’t know if I can do that. You’re the love of her life too. All she’s ever talked about is you. From the day you asked her out years ago, she’s been obsessed with you. She loves you too much.”

“I know. But she needs to be a normal teenager. Just because I can’t be one doesn’t mean I have to drag her down with me. She deserves a normal life.”

I sighed. I didn’t know what to say. He was right, though. She deserved to be out and about doing normal teenage things, not cooped up in a hospital room with her recovering boyfriend. I love her too much to let her waste away her teenage years.

“I mean, I’ll do my best. I’ve already been trying…”

“Please, Alex. Please help her out, because I can’t”

“Okay. Like I said, I’ll do my best.”

Justin gave me a sad smile. “Alright. Thank you.”

“Of course.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im so sorry i havent updated in months, i've been extremely swamped with school work and finding a job. anyways, i deactivated my twitter so if you need me please leave a comment with any questions or concerns. and as always, comments and kudos are ALWAYS appreciated. hope you enjoyed this chapter :)


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